Resurrection

Thank you for saving me

2012-01-21T23:05:00.002+08:00

I have never thanked You out loud in public. But Your hands truly protected me that winter. Today, I am reminded of the fragility of life. And am truly grateful for this chance to live to tell the tale after what happened that January. Thank You.

Choice

2011-12-12T23:36:00.002+08:00

In the depth of the night, he wonders if there is actually someone like she.

For now she is forbidden.

And he stays as distant as possible, fighting the pull of a kindred spirit.

Till when?

Perhaps till he has no choice.

And the year closes pretty soon

2011-11-21T13:55:00.003+08:00

It has been a while. Life's trajectory has taken off since August in a major lift-off, workwise. The search for fulfillment continues, outside of work. I am lucky, I settled pretty quickly into the new role and doing what I enjoy yet again. Next year promises to be a year of action and offensive play. This was an unplanned opportunity. Guess that's why they call it opportunity. I weighed my option between 2 (well staying was an option, but I killed it rather quickly. The response/counter offer is not worth the data it used on text) and decided to take the path of service, one last time perhaps.

The wanderlust reined in, for now, ever casting a shadow of flight to possibilities and adventure. But let's see what this unexpected turn of events take me.

I am truly blessed all round. And perhaps my spiritual side needs to be fed somehow amidst my logic, mind and confidence. Doing more good is another thing which needs to be upped substantially. For mind and heart to be at peace - instead of a collision of aims and dreams.

What's next? I have no idea. But for now I should figure out what kind of holiday I should have at year end!

On another note, why is it so hard to find connection in this small city?

Defying Gravity

2011-07-17T23:28:00.003+08:00

It's funny how social networking sites show you how friends, past and present are living their lives. We lead such different lives now, friends from the past. Most are with a spouse and/or kids. Even those adamantly gallivanting singles eventually succumb. It's like it is no longer safe, it will get to you sooner or later. There are still those running around with or without a care. There still those partying like it was 10 years ago.

And everytime, without fail, no matter how alone I feel sometimes on this path, I would not trade this with theirs. My life is how I like it at the moment - the possibilities, the hopes, the fulfillment. To defy gravity.

I would not settle for anything less than a skip of my heart to decide.

666 Posts Later

2011-07-17T11:44:00.003+08:00

It feels a bit weird not having to take that drive, to put on that mantle to the 21st floor anymore. But as cliched as it may be, it is not the prestige, influence or importance that I miss most. It is the people.

I miss my bright, witty, determined juniors - I miss sharing with them all I know and ought to know. It has been a joy seeing them grow, and discover their strengths, and whether this is for them.

I miss my teammates. The ups and downs we have been through. The honesty and candour. The friendship. And jumping monkeys. I miss my friends.

This ought to be exciting - new challenge, new place. But I am not stoked yet. It hasn't really quite hit home.

It is for the best I hope. In the mean time, 2 weeks of downtime to regroup.

What if?

2011-06-17T17:03:00.002+08:00

What happens if you take out Gerrard from Liverpool?

What happens if you take out Messi from Barcelona?

What happens if you take out the player who has the most vision and awareness of the game from a team?

Speak?

2011-06-14T09:56:00.000+08:00

If there are any words unspoken
More often then not
Caustic and harmful in many ways

But what if words unspoken
Are of affection and thoughts
Words that make light of days

What are reasons cited often?
Perhaps safety is sought
Keeping hurt and aches away

Ten Years On

2011-06-13T17:56:00.003+08:00

This same Monday week, 10 years ago, I started my journey in the rodent race. I don't like that term. It is not a race, but rather, it is about sustaining yourself in the midst of craziness (and personal strife). It is about learning calmness and wisdom beyond your years, if you so wish to be at the forefront. It is about endurance, humility, perserverance and grace.

I am but at the beginning of this humbling, yet exhilarating journey. 10 years on, I still want to do much more, see much more, experience much more. To lead, to inspire, hopefully.

Being Out There

2011-06-08T19:20:00.002+08:00

My heart is still restless. I miss being out there, seeing the world passing me by. New sounds, new sights, new smell and new tastes. Adventure. Experience. People.

Though as much as I yearn for adventure in the big wide somewhere, I long to for a place to rest my restless heart.

Such a contradiction.

"Let me take your hand in mine, and seek our adventure."

Being On Guard

2011-06-08T17:06:00.003+08:00

I am suprised how guarded I can be even with someone I shouldn't be so with. I have no idea what I am holding back my words and actions for, because really, there is no reason or intent or plans of any kind. It all happened without a thought. I find it all amusing and my close friends find it really weird because to them, they only know the relaxed, no holds barred, dry witted man.

So seriously, next time, if ever, please let your guard down Mr Resurrected.

A Question

2011-06-07T12:13:00.001+08:00

If this is a dance
And I don’t lead well
Do I get a second chance
To make you smile?

Execution

2011-05-06T10:22:00.002+08:00

My execution abilities are questionable at the moment. Well, maybe less so the execution, but arriving at the end game proves to be an impossibility, lately. It's like I lost that mojo, that final touch. And perhaps the issue lies with the execution, where the tiles are not lined up for a domino effect to the goal. Perhaps the tiles are laid in too haphazard a manner. Perhaps the tiles are all great tiles but just not compatible in the scheme of things. No use for good tiles if you can't win.

Stories

2011-04-14T20:59:00.001+08:00

It is so hard to find your own fairytale. But we can all weave stories of reality, pragmatism and hope. And hopefully our stories would be happy ones, with a pleasant end and a legacy to those who matters.

The trick to moving the storyline I have learned is to not think, to not hesitate. Because when one thinks or hesitates, the likelihood of a disaster is much higher.

"All I wanna do is to find a way back into love"

Emerald

2011-04-11T10:54:00.000+08:00

It's half an hour to midnight. The streets buzzing still. Cigratte in hand a lady speaks on her cell as filled up bright buses ride past. Sounds from the large advertising screens can now be heard though when the traffic light halts traffic. Everyone with a thought perhaps. Of what's next. Of what they are doing. Of getting laid. Of how drunk they want to get. Of loved ones far away. Of bad assess in their life. Of life. Modern human life.

And I stand here watching. And all I want to do is not think.

Verbosity

2011-03-28T14:51:00.003+08:00

The thing is, I am not a man of many words - verbal ones. Perhaps articulating 20% of what crosses my mind or who I am. I do wish to say more, but only to those who matters and those who would be interested.

However, there is nothing I love more than exchange of written words. Across the miles, or just across thin air.

Pedestrian Speed

2011-03-25T11:04:00.002+08:00

As I was driving through the narrow backstreets towards the office, a strange feeling on unease came over me, just briefly, but real nevertheless. I am older and running out of time. I am no longer that 21 year old, brimming with eagerness and energy. I am now a battle hardened, wiser hopefully, more relaxed but still hungry (for adventure) man.

Perhaps I need to stop doing my walk and jog 10k life. Perhaps I need a real run, and I should run for it.

You

2011-02-23T20:47:00.003+08:00

It is very difficult this time. I have not felt such pain in so long. I have not expected you to be able to inflict such misery on me. Looking back, you could have forewarned me way ahead of time if indeed we have been transparent as friends.

There is no beauty in my words tonight. My words are straight and unimaginative. For at this moment, there are no dreams, no imagination. Just sorrow. Not an inch of happy.

I have no nice things to say like I did 2 nights ago. My heart aches like it has never done so. I am numb. Xanax may not work tonight. Thanks.

Sunday Storm

2011-02-14T23:51:00.000+08:00

Just another Sunday trawling the streets of KL, surrounded by a mass of bodies and chatter as one tries to find a quiet corner for some solace and peace. Drove straight into a storm as I made my way across the city and the heavy downpour gives a different tint to the view. And my thoughts drifted to you, in the middle of all the chaos.

The Year That Was

2010-12-28T23:46:00.002+08:00

The whirring sound of the jet engine signals take off. At last. After a long wait. And the relief, and comfort of knowing home is just a while away as the plane takes off into the night.

The year is a forgettable one. Too many what ifs. Too many wrong turns. Too many blessings that are not apparent. Too many half-successes. Too many attempts. Too many roadblocks.

There is a silver lining though, a quiet year for rest. This is the first year I got sick for a long time, putting away those attempts, and creating roadblocks I cannot manoeuvre.

This is a standstill year. And I need to get over it.

I need answers. And I'll get those answers. And I will enter battles after battles just to find answers. Even if I don't get any answers, at least there will be blood, and there will be parties who would pay for it.

But no, there will be no open warfare. I prefer subtle wars. Of turning around. Of making a legion. Of alliances and being closer to the enemies. Of vision, and mission.

This is the time to build on personal accomplishments of 2010. To quickly regroup and strike.

The Tall One

2010-10-15T18:18:00.003+08:00

There are always a bright sparks in this life. Sometimes I just take it for granted to write about them.

Like the tall willowy girl with the big laughter, big goofy smile and crazy wit, contrasted by her brooding, melancholic look which makes her face poignant, mysterious.

Always never failing to make me smile with her silliness, and charm.

Reasons

2010-10-05T16:04:00.003+08:00

Everything happens for a reason is not good enough an explanation, for anything, anyone. Because really, things happen in a non-linear Black Swan way and any explanation is mere hindsight.

And we all move on, slowly or speedily, or we don't, at all.

But the clock will continue to tick, the Earth continues to rotate on its axis.

It is how we live in the face of the unexplainable, the courage and courage of conviction to face the world, that matters

Living with Mistakes

2010-08-10T18:49:00.002+08:00

The last 12 months have been plagued by mistakes after mistakes. If there's any period in my life which seems irrationally rash and uncertain, it is the last 12 months.

I regret holding back and then acting too late.

I regret telling when it was just rash.

I regret the move.

And like a whirlwind, these mistakes continue. These mistakes are being made daily because of the way I've constructed this life.

I stare at my mistakes daily.

And it's not helping my poor tired heart.

Now what? Tell me. Please.

Newness

2010-08-06T12:38:00.003+08:00

Just like that, a series of decisions and letting things happen, of not thinking through and being fickle. It has happened. And now I have to live with it. Live it up. Amidst the expectations of excitement and fanfare, there is a measure of indifference from me.

An indifference which bugs me to no end. A certain sadness enveloping this heart, compounded by this event, of leaving 30 years behind, of what feels like abandonment and to an extent, ungratefulness.

What's done is done. Now moving forward. I would need another project to distract myself.

The past couple of weeks have been marked by betrayal and growing disdain. It's a chapter which has to be closed soon enough, for no matter what happens from now on, the damage is irrepairable. I will not forgive and I never forget.

So now, what do I do?

I can punch up my class. Middleweight wanting to show the heavyweights a thing or two about the fight. My left hook is unforgiving and has raw power. My right hook, skilled and draws blood. I can stand tall and reignite the desire to win. Let my real self manifest. The alpha who wants nothing but victory. But this time, he's going to be back, stronger than ever, wiser, knowing when to let go and take a step back, choosing battles.

The Halfway Point

2010-07-12T19:03:00.002+08:00

There's always a tipping point. A series of events, fortunate or otherwise, which would steer the ship in a different fashion or throw it off its course altogether. I sense that storm gathering, within. It's good and bad, one can't be too sure but I remember wise words repeated to me: .....trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future

Perhaps everyone of you have a reason being here in my life. And that there's no definitive end, just yet. That you are part of this journey. But how do I know?

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

For Good, Wicked

Crossroad. Do I do what I do not usually do, and not waver? Or do I walk, principles over emotions, as always?

Halfway through the year, and it felt like a whirlwind that never was. Fast but no impact. Shallow, no solace to a tired soul.

Will the dots join? I think it has so far, but I do not know where things would lead, and if the dots would eventually make sense.

I need to grab destiny, with these bare hands, and make it mine. Yet, I am tired, of fighting currents, holding on to rocky hope. The arms ache, the hands wounded.

"I am always on your side, wherever you are :)"

Really?

Insomnia

2010-04-18T02:27:00.001+08:00

It's a quarter past 2. I thought I could sleep. But I woke up a bit more than an hour ago and have not been able to fall asleep. I tried and tried. But my heart wouldn't rest. I am getting tired and frustrated. Ok heart, you win. Now can we just get sleep?

It's pouring outside. Yet some things are being pooled, contained. How I wish water would just flow.

Perhaps the time will never come. And it will all evaporate. All but a dream. All but mere words in the head.

I was asked to pray. In my hour of need, I find no answers. Not even comfort. No solace.

Perhaps that's the sign You have given. Pitch silence.

Ok. I get it. And the rain continues to pour heavily. Washing away the colours of these wasted dreams.

Take the leap of faith?

2010-02-17T00:43:00.001+08:00

A Night in Bangsar

2009-11-21T20:23:00.000+08:00

It was late Friday night in a yuppified commercial centre close to the heart of KL. He and she were having ice-cream as dessert after a hearty meal, in an ice cream parlour across a swanky mall. In came a boy, no more than 10 years old, carrying a basket filled with stationery, going from table to table, hoping to sell some. The cynical KLite would brush him aside, as part of a syndicate. The boy left after a few failed attempts.

He stood up wanting to stop him because he wanted to give him some money, and get him a scoop of icecream. But he left like the wind into the darkness.

His heart broke, and it showed as his eyes turned glazed.

His friend asked him what is wrong. He asked her if they should even be discussing their monetary concerns, when really, they are just lucky. All we care about a lot of the times, is the pursuit of our perceived happiness. What we deserve. What we want. And tonight, he was reminded again, that this is just another day in paradise.

A boy like that shouldn't be out there, and therein lies our problem. We forget. We get our priorities wrong as a society. Who cares who rules Perak, when we see such tragedy before our eyes?

December Reading List

2009-11-21T20:17:00.002+08:00

1. Valuation - Tim Koller (haha, it's about time I read it cover to cover)
2. The Shock Doctrine
3. The Black Swan
4. The Last Tycoons (the writing style is too dry - unfinished book for the whole year)

Yes, it's time to improve that strategic and technical side.....

A Bit of Both

2009-11-16T16:05:00.001+08:00

The girl I loved in the carefree year of 1998 is giving birth to a 2nd
baby.

The girl I loved in the innocent year of 1995 just got married last
weekend.

I missed both weddings.

Chasing dreams.

Either I've outlasted them from succumbing to norm, not settling for any
less and still believing, or I am getting it all wrong.

I suspect it could be a bit of both.

3 Minutes

2009-11-16T16:04:00.000+08:00

Silent night, whirring sound
Crystal clear, murky depths
Wishing some, losing more
Steps shaky, running fast
Jump now, hold back strong
Standstill motion, heart pounding

Crystal clear, maybe it is
But heart fears losing more
Are you game? Are you mad?

Midnight now
Murky still

Perfect Love

2009-08-15T16:59:00.002+08:00

Have you ever met perfection and walked away?

Ever wondered why when you meet someone perfect - all the checkboxes are ticked (smart, witty, gorgeous, great cook, chic, savvy, emotionally mature, kind, sweet) - you just don't fall for him/her?

And you lament where all the good guys/girls are.

Such is the paradox of love and life.

Perhaps.....

2009-07-26T21:08:00.006+08:00

"Improvements are always available no matter what, but that that does not mean you should subject yourself 100% performance benchmark. I mean, do you really NEED to perform 100% ? Does performing 100% make you feel MUCH happier then your current state? Performing 100% may just mean you burn out or make you become obsessive, and probably even make you feel less happy than present. So really, I think performing 100% shouldn't be your barometer. I thinks performing efficiently is a better benchmark."

I have always been on an upward trajectory. Even when the world and life conspired against me, by luck or by blind determination, I made it past all that. I don't have an Ivy League or Oxbridge scroll. Since young I knew all we could afford was a local public university, not even private colleges. If only I knew these top schools were need-blind.

I never had the privilege of structured middle class activities to engage my then young mind - no music lessons, no theatre, no tuition (save for an aborted attempt in Mandarin). Books were mainly hand-me-downs and some we bought. So don't ask me about Enid Blyton, Famous Five, Dr Seuss et al. It's almost alien to me, only read a couple. But somehow I had my headstart - the Singaporean English books bought by my father, working on junior high algebra when in primary school because the book was on discount, poring over what few books I had and understanding things deeply, secondary school history and geography books as leisure reading for a child (I didn't need to study much in secondary school!), badminton training in school, volunteering to do weekly subject summaries for this hybrid subject called Alam & Manusia, weekly or fortnightly visits to the National Library (public bus route worked for me), borrowing books from cousins, the school library. English or Malay books, it didn't matter (haha I read Ivory Towers and Nancy Drew in Malay!).

Holidays which I lost to aimless play versus the privileged children's mind-nurturing activities, I must have made up for it through all this. The VCR so common to other children, and the DOS computers and video games were all needless luxuries. Summer camps and holidays - I could only dream. My parents worked hard, and I knew not to expect. It was all my imagination as I play alone or with the other children from the neighbourhood - I had toys which were mainly toy soldiers and Lego sets. I made imaginary fortresses and spacecrafts by moving furniture around. I played board games with the cousins and also their computers. I would memorise flags and countries and countries on the map. I even knew the 50 states of the US. I would cycle and get lost and make my way back. I always wanted to know what was beyond.

I opened up a world of wonder through all this. Knowledge of things beyond that small life of mine made me wonder if there's more. I was a fairly popular kid and did well in school. I was not a confident child though. My insecurities were deep-rooted and I am ashamed today to say, it was all related to our lack of material wealth. I am sorry Ma and Pa....I know you tried your best.

So there. That's why I am obsessed with perfection. With 100%. Yes, now I can wing it. But that's not because it's not perfect. It's because I know I can. Often, I do enough and sometimes I push the envelope further. But it doesn't mean I feel good about it. Yes, good to know that I am able. But I know there's much much more within. And I still have much to learn, and much to do.

The 3Is

2009-05-31T13:04:00.003+08:00

Integrity
Intellect
Inspirational

2009-05-30T21:59:00.002+08:00

He walks the highstreet, lost in his thoughts, not paying attention to happiness peddled as wares money can buy, on display. Signs of success. Signs of wealth. Signs of good taste. Whatever it may be. Yes, he does enjoy indulging in the finer things in life but not to that extent. Guilt rages sometimes.

Two worlds colliding. A man from a very different start hurtled into impending 'success' in a world different from his. And the insecurities crept in. The burning ambition to move on and the solid confidence still displayed but he knows it's not an even playing field. He knows he is being judged and questions are asked of him. He knows it's a constant uphill battle. And he too constantly ask what 'success' actually is. Could it be a trap?

He is proud of who he is. He knows his shortcomings and he knows it's a long road ahead. He is thankful for all whom have touched his life and brought him wisdom. Remember, a class act is one who treats people well and with respect, a wise woman told him, money can't buy you class. Those words he brings with him. But he knows he hasn't been a class act all the time. And he needs to fix that.

He is afraid of falling. And letting the two worlds collide. Sure, all will be nice and rosy initially. But realities, stark realities may set in and cause untold turmoil. Can he offer what the other world wants? Or perhaps a brand new story would be woven?

Does he or does he not?

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Wishing Myself All The Best

2009-05-20T22:44:00.002+08:00

Here we go again. 3.5 hours of reading and mostly writing. This better be the last time. Must not let curved balls send me off tangent again.

Do it Resurrected style - calm, chill, collected, concise and confidently winging it =D

2009-05-17T20:30:00.001+08:00

What separates the great from the good?

Wishes

2009-05-10T19:44:00.004+08:00

She sat at the left hand side corner, a discreet corner at the end of the restaurant, reading the latest Vogue, waiting. He was slightly late, as he took his chances to get a spot near the restaurant. And he gave up, deciding to park at the usual well-lit shopping arcade carpark. "Oh she's here" as he passed her car in the carpark.

"I like the latest free magazines here but the other branch has more magazines =)," she says. Knowing full well that would elicit rolling eyes from him.

"Is the breakfast set any good?"

"Not really but I couldn't think of anything else. Plus, if you add the orange juice and coffee, it's already 21 bucks. So at 28 bucks, it's value for money" As if on a cue, he rolled his eyes again.

"Oh it still comes with mushrooms!"

"Here you go, Little Miss Sunshine. As I promised. Only 1 left"

"Oh! Do people collect these" "Hmm is this the actual one you really wanted to get me," gesturing at Little Miss Stubborn.

The conversation flowed as usual. And the topic we avoided for the first 30 minutes came up.

"I haven't decided"

"Decide based on facts, since you now have 2 opinions"

"I think I should get a 3rd opinion. Tiebreaker"

"Like some reality TV show?"

"2nd opinion says why put your body through that if it's not necessary. 1st opinion says you would need to do it eventually"

"Get a third opinion then"

"I need a break"

"Not this way!"

"I have so many DVDs and chocolates and now a book and DVDs from you!"

"Please don't decide based on that!"

"Why do guys want girls to go for Brazilian? A friend who was getting married wanted to do that and I was like, shouldn't he accept the way you are? Perhaps it's more hygienic"

"Well, he would have known how she was like anyway."

"Are you assuming everyone has done it before their wedding?"

He was caught offguard, flustered. She must have noticed.

"I know some who did not. Anyway, it's more for vanity. I assume it's from the fact that people wanted to wear bikinis in Rio" he said

"Yeah but wouldn't it be better all natural"

"I think this conversation should stop" He may have stumbled upon a prude.

Two presumed competitor turned friends. He thinks she should not do it. He hope she does not, and she should just monitor the situation every few months.

He walked her to the threading salon. As usual, she's going to force her way even though they said they were busy. They spoke about men and manicure, how he loves the sun and she hates. He reminded her to use facts. And they parted ways for the day.

He hopes to see her very soon, and not her clad in a hospital gown.

The Time Has Come

2009-05-10T10:17:00.002+08:00

Even though it's nice to be the one with the bright potential, it's time he turns himself into the formidable one.

How does he get there?

Addiction

2009-05-08T20:44:00.003+08:00

Suddenly, it all turned quiet. The devices stopped buzzing. The phonecalls no longer constant. Ah, such bliss suddenly, yet so eerily silent. He is beginning to think he is too addicted to it all. The rush. The adrenaline. He did not stop, even with scanty sleep and unfocused demands. He focused it, He made it work. He rushed. He stayed calm. I solved. Modus operandi of the Resurrected one includes leave no one behind.

I wonder what my partner in crime is up to, now that we are apart for a few weeks, with no real work at hand.

Such is the life of the slave (some say the slave driver). He's now lost.

Bases

2009-05-08T20:35:00.003+08:00

In the course of a conversation with my now close buddy, I suddenly blurted that I shall decide proceed with proposed acquisition if
1) Nothing happens by 30th June; and
2) I see a number >50% (59% to be precise, but I am being realistic yet setting a high bar)

Deep down, I am hoping for only 2) to happen. Which also means, I don't really want to proceed (proceeding entails both criteria)

=P

I have no basis whatsoever, just greedy.

2009-05-01T13:30:00.000+08:00

She asked if he was mad.
He said yes, mad about you.

Random Haikus

2009-04-15T00:33:00.001+08:00

Chat away words fly
But the night is getting old
Mind body unsync

Much to say and share
But some things are too precious
Preserve the beauty

Perhaps time will tell
Serendipity will work
But later too late?

The Truth Is....

2009-04-15T00:18:00.002+08:00

It's a bit hard to accept certain things sometimes. Harder when you know it's full of obstacles and mines in the fields.

Where's the exuberant one? The one who wears his heart on the sleeves?

2009-03-14T21:57:00.002+08:00

The thing is, I think I have become soft, when it comes to this. That I have grown an affection for the people which is beyond normal. Well, normal Resurrected at least. These are real people, with no pretense of grandeur. That we are in this together. How often do you get that?

Conversations with the sleepyhead teammate

2009-03-08T00:19:00.000+08:00

"When are you going to learn to type with more than 2 fingers"
"You are pretty fast for a 2 finger typist"
"My ex-boss is a 2 finger typist and he's smart. I am not saying it's correlated though"

Urgh, I'll so get you for this.

"I think I need to show my face more to the 2 babies. They recognise their mom and the grandparents now but not me. I carry them up to show them my face. After a while, they get uncomfortable because their neck is weak and they feel uncomfortable because they can't support their neck when held like that. I must find a way to win their hearts"

"You know, someone I know whom I thought is warm told someone else I was 'ng kan dan', you know that phrase"
"Yeah it means not simple, but usually meant to be cunning"
"How could she, I like her!"

"I told my friend the other day about how someone said I was cunning. You know what he said? In a prim and proper way, he said, actually when I first met you, I thought you were aloof. Aloof!"
"Well, that's not too bad"
"But it means arrogant! I make bad first impressions! 3 bad comments this month! Which is why I am suprised you thought I was nice"

"Am I cunning?"
"No, I think you are just playful"
"That's the same"
"No, it's not malicious"

2009-02-22T16:56:00.002+08:00

I was at KlCC for dinner and seated next to us was a middle aged obese (but not really big by their standards out there in the Midwest) American guy with a obviously picked up girl in her. Reckon she is from China unless the guy thinks all orientals are Chinese....barely can string a sentence together. But that's not the story of the day as this kinda scene plays out in KL all the time. These are the gems the dude spilled out:

Italian food is the 2nd most favourite food in the US after burgers and fries

Ravioli is just like your noodles, or pasta but in squares with
mushroom flavored stuff in it.

Greeks are people from Greece. They are very warm people

I prefer Pepsi. Coke taste different in different countries

I was in a Greek restaurant and they serve burger and fries. How come they don't have that here

From The Archives

2009-02-22T16:48:00.001+08:00

A 'hi' glance and a knowing smile
Distance small but feels like miles
Cup in hand she holds it warm
Distracted he is gadget on palms
Another day begins they both stride
Chasing dreams they both thrive
But really, isn't dream just a glance away?

Notes from a cafe

2009-02-21T23:16:00.001+08:00

A 30-something man with a hot drink and a book, waiting for someone.Comfortable sitting on the black couch but no smile.

Attractive young female sitting with leg crossed and a silent gaze out of the window. White top and handbag. Looks like a lovers' tiff as young man sitting across seems quiet and uncomfortable at the silence. No drinks on table. And young man walked to the counter, the girl did not move, did not look.

Young man reading intently on his laptop, actually it's just Friendster and emails, with white earphones and black Nike cap completing the youth uniform.

Two girls sitting with finished fraps still having lots to say to each other. One with ciggie in hand but mostly letting it burn as the chatter continues.

Another 2 couples, both in animated conversations. One couple with a red laptop while the other couple without.

It's a rather quiet evening here. Man with red beret and is that a brown towel waiting for his drink.

Girl in white walked away at last, with no warning. Young man stood up to chase, drink in hand which he just took from the counter.

The Man

2009-01-29T21:12:00.003+08:00

All this talk about the future, current uncertainties and hitting year 30 brought about a very interesting question to myself: What kind of man do I want to be? The finished article (well, not finished but perhaps part 1?), say in 5 years' time.

I have some ideas but am unable to articulate it properly at the moment.

Imbalances

2009-01-29T21:09:00.002+08:00

In a conversation a few months ago, with regards to the expectations for a man to at least meet the lifestyle requirements of the woman:

"You mentioned that there would be expectations and/or pressure for the guy to meet the lifestyle of the girl. I would agree that's the case most of the time. It's hard for a guy to date a girl who on her own, enjoys perhaps finer things in life (again, this is all relative of course) if there are expectations for him to partake or finance it.

But just a thought. Does that mean that guys would almost always seek economically equal or economically less able girls? And girls would almost always seek or accept guys who are economically more able or to a lesser extent, equal?"

Any thoughts?

Beginnings

2009-01-21T20:51:00.000+08:00

“There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. Yet that will be the beginning.” Michelle Obama, inscription on journal given to Barbara Bush

And as painful or gleeful as it may seem sometimes when things come to an end, there is truth in this. As you walk onto the top of the hill and the horizon clears, sunlight in your eyes and you see that there's more, much much more. More adventures, more discoveries, more ups and downs, valleys and hills.

So, keep walking, keep journeying, keep discovering - the beauty of life is such, filled with silver linings in times of darkness. It's a choice - to live. And to have a new beginning every day.

Work-life Balance

2008-12-21T23:41:00.002+08:00

If our forefathers and ancestors had believed in this nonsense of work-life balance, we wouldn't exist and most if not all the comforts we have would not have existed.

*generalisation mode*
Seriously, why are the young ones or even peers, so pampered and weak, that they aren't willing to put in their worth into their vocation/work? Friends and relatives who whine about hardwork: “such long hours”, and “oh I am not learning anything” tend to annoy the hell out of me. To generalise, the want the glamour of a swanky corporate office but aren’t willing to be there whenever and whatever and however. Where's the drive?

And to put it in context, the survival of the human race has been dependent on our dogged determination, resilience and endurance, which leads to innovation, creation and empires. That my friend, is the indomitable human spirit.

Jazz and wine ;)

2008-12-21T12:43:00.002+08:00

Deliberate and improvised. That's the rhythm he walks the path, meandering as it may be. Just as the rhythm and sway for the night.

First time I see you sway to music. Yes perhaps the wine helped. But maybe it's the rhythm of this life.

Deliberately intricate and complicated and careful. Yet improvised, spontaneous and lived vicariously. Contradiction, this.

Live life deliberately and improvised....perhaps that should replace "stay hungry, stay foolish"....Ambition is overrated. For it blinds.

The strain of Christmas tunes fill the air...and now Close To You. Yet his thoughts wanders amongst the flicker of the Christmas tree.

"Just like me, they long to be close to you. On the day you were born, the angels made a dream come true"

How close, he asks. Are you prepared for the contradictions? Deliberate, improvised.

In a bar, downtown

2008-12-21T12:43:00.001+08:00

Is it ever enough? The flicker of scented candle dances to the jazzy tune of the night in a downtown bar. People in candid chatter, loving gazes, soft caresses, banter, laughter, serenity. Moods galore.

Is it ever good? The burning sight of your silouhette. The scent of your presence. Left behind in a blind race of chase and games.

Renaissance

2008-11-18T19:01:00.002+08:00

Procrastination is the name of the game but it has to stop tonight. 24 hours more to work through the case. And 48 hours more, I would be home free.

But what's even more important is the many thoughts I have for year 30. I shall make it the renaissance year.

Realise

2008-11-09T20:54:00.002+08:00

She gazes out with her sad eyes, onto the street as a cup of foamy latte, steaming, lays in front of her. As the rain pours in the afternoon, which moments ago was just bright, she wonders what lays ahead and what she should do. The grey sky poured even more, as trickles turn into streams of water across the glass window, dreamy and not like a work day at all as her mind wanders off

Perhaps the person she really wants to hear those words from would actually do so. And those words so carelessly uttered by others would be precious if it's him. But she knows he wouldn't.

He sits labouring away in as messages come in fast and furious. Another frantic day, perked up by a latte. He wonders what he is to do as his mind wanders away from the tasks at hand. Life would be simpler if he has more courage and more faith in himself, and she.

Perhaps he should really tell her exactly what he wants to say. Before it is too late.

She walks in the slight drizzle, hoping and not hoping.

He steps onto the wet pavement, fearing the slippery slope if he does, of losing her.

Realize by Colbie Caillat

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is. Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now.

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
No its never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you.

If you just realized what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
Then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now.

It's not always the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it to.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

If you just realized what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
Then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
Just realized what I just realized

OoOoOOo

2008-11-07T19:30:00.002+08:00

The spiral is amazing, I guess there's an inherent need to develop a mechanism to stop this.

Monday Thoughts

2008-11-03T22:02:00.003+08:00

It may be premature, but a review is a review.

Stay hungry, stay foolish was how I wanted to live this year. I think I have not been successful on staying foolish. By any measures, it has been a good year. Clouds which threatened to turn into a massive thunderstorm somehow went away. Even though I was on auto-pilot mode most of the time, my occasional bursts of inspiration ensures momentum is kept and some semblance of excellence remains.

Am I happier? I don't know. Chirpier sometimes apparently, someone at work commented.

"What do you want in your eulogy?"

"I haven't thought about it before"

2 more months. Time really flies.

And so it ends

2008-09-28T20:09:00.001+08:00

Why must all journeys have a destination?

Perhaps I enjoy the journeys too much....

2008-09-15T23:20:00.001+08:00

Fate is...
building a bridge of chance, for someone you love

2008-09-15T22:28:00.001+08:00

My Sassy Girl is actually quite a tender movie...hmm

DIY

2008-09-15T14:51:00.002+08:00

How do you love when your heart is still in pieces, pulling in different directions, swirling in confusion? How do you care for anyone when you are incapable of dealing with your own demons?

I need Love for Dummies.

First Day

2008-09-01T20:30:00.004+08:00

Someone said I don't look any different from 8 years ago. 8 years ago? Oh my. I really need to stop looking so boyish else I won't be taken seriously. But hmm, I always thought I have aged somewhat.

First day of September and all I did was spend money. I shall refrain from complaining as most of what I bought was 'capital expenditure' type of purchases...things that last a while.

What's more important is, on the first day of September this year, I have vowed to take life by the scruff of the neck. I will keep the octave high, the adrenaline pumping all the way till the artificial year end. And nothing's gonna stop this juggernaut from taking control of destiny!

Now, should I start with a blatant 50-50 bet on a property acquisition in an urban renewal project?

Before that, I am calling it a day early today as there's this long battle to be fought through the week. And no M, I haven't decided on the thing I am supposed to decide by the end of today.....

Innocent Exuberance

2008-08-31T10:41:00.002+08:00

I grew up believing. I believed that my country is a benevolent parent who gives unconditionally. I loved listening to the national anthem, the slow unadulterated one and given the right moment, I truly loved.

I grew up in a mission school, in the grittier side of the city. I had friends where the colour of your skin did not matter. We had role models whom dispensed discipline and education regardless of whom we were, yet awareness of the cultural differences are always taken into account. We got curious, we asked, we found out. We played together, formed cliques that did not look racial at all, we were always one. We grew up together under the same umbrella of faith and hope, of the politically-correct side of the world.

We were confident of the vision laid out oh so nicely to us. By 2020 we will be at the top of the world, the place to be, a not-too-small nation role model to the world. And nobody will be left out. We were a juggernaut so unstoppable. The nation was truly confident and we all walked with a skip in the stride.

But it was a castle of cards, built on pretense of grandeur. Form over substance.

As we lost the innocent exuberance of our childhood, we saw things and slowly the belief faded.

I still want to believe. Do you?

And It Is Midnight

2008-08-30T23:47:00.003+08:00

A gathering of people from the past, it has been a while, this boisterous loud argumentative crowd. But how things have changed. Married with kids. Engaged. Et cetera. The timing of the dinner was an early one, and by a quarter past eight, it was time to leave. These are peers and juniors. It's a bit surreal to see them in their daddy roles. Someone made a remark that the table would have to be double the length 5 years from now....I wonder if that's gonna be true.

I rarely meet the married/engaged/madly deeply in love ones (and that's most of them) nowadays. Of course I get admonished for being so-in-love with what I do. And a colleague wishes that I get over the work is more important than the girl phase. But as time goes by, it gets harder to reconnect with friends as everyone move into their respective micro-lives which require a lot more attention, time and commitment. And the thing is, everyone seems so contented, so sure that this is the right and best thing to do. To move from just mere love into a life-long dedication. Yes, I believe in taking my vows seriously and which is why I am ever-cautious because I would like to make it happen and work for a long time, a life-long love of my life. Idealistic, still.

I wonder if I have what it takes to play daddy. Does it not scare you, to have a life (or lives) in your hand for which you have sole (joint) responsibility for? And that every word, every move would impact the mind/heart of the child.

Ah National Day...I hear it on the TV. This year is low-key. Deep-down, I wish we can be better, I wish we can move on and I wish I can have a better place to build a family right here at home.

Hot Rain

2008-08-30T14:37:00.003+08:00

And so it rains, on a Saturday afternoon. Not running around on a Saturday is a bit peculiar to me, but I guess being stuck at home due to the car being in a workshop for the day isn't so bad. I actually spent time reorganising my wardrobe and came to the realisation that I have very little smart casuals and not enough work-out clothes. And I have too many t-shirts. It's good to know what you have.

I guess it's very easy to lose track of things, lose track of life as you hurtle across the great expanse of time. 4 more months to the man-made year end, and somehow things don't seem very different. The passage of time has been fast-tracked somewhat and I have no idea what has happened. The only things that give some indication are the archived emails and the appointments on the laptop. That is somehow rather sad, sometimes, as there is much to savour and remember in the time which we have spent. Time is really all we have.

Need to grab destiny by the scruff of the neck.

Reminder to self

2008-08-16T23:07:00.000+08:00

Stay hungry. Stay foolish

.....trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future
.....trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever

2008-08-05T19:55:00.001+08:00

The sun sets on another day
The dawn yet to come by
In the night folks pray
That blessings will not dry

Sleep a little sleep
Let dreams sweep
Away the hollow so deep

Sleep a little sleep
Days ahead for us to tread
Rest well, peaceful in slumber

For Good

2008-08-05T19:01:00.000+08:00

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

For Good, Wicked

Conditioning and Destiny

2008-07-31T12:56:00.000+08:00

Conditioning. I was told I might have conditioned from a very young age or even not-so-young-age to not feel excited, not too display a lot of joy when I achieve, to behave as if it’s nothing to be proud of. Excited about things, good things = happiness.

That’s the problem I guess. I get a good number, sure, it was great but it really didn’t show on this face of mine. I stand on Eiffel Tower and I was not amazed, having come a long way from humble beginning. I have done many many things I should be proud of, yet I focus on the things I did not achieve or have not achieved. Hunger? Or hunger misplaced?

I am in my prime, yet I feel like I am still so raw and young. Perhaps I set the bar too high for myself because people don’t see me as raw and young.

But this is also a strength. It makes me work harder, and I know how much I need this push as I lack motivation on many things (again, perhaps it’s only my perception. I am apparently very driven). And I stay calm in situations. Unfazed. So how does one reconcile the need to feel excited and yet staying calm?

I feel I have a tendency not to grab destiny and hold it and bend it and make it mine.

2008-07-29T23:06:00.001+08:00

Resurrected is wildly melancholic tonight.
Will need to go to sleep....

Sometimes

2008-07-29T22:22:00.002+08:00

Sometimes different worlds collide and they bring unexpected results.

Sometimes when you least expect blessings, it arrives, in a hailstorm.

Sometimes you can't correct things but you just go with the flow.

Sometimes some feelings aren't really what you hope for.

Sometimes you can't deny reality is far from ideal.

Chicken Shit

2008-07-20T22:02:00.001+08:00

Chicken little chicken
Why do you let loose everywhere
Don't you know they stare
And call your bluff here and there

Someone Help Me!

2008-07-19T21:09:00.001+08:00

I don't really know what I am doing
And I don't really know what I want
And I am doing it all wrong

Feels Like Tonight

2008-07-19T09:00:00.002+08:00

Feels Like Tonight by Daughtry

You, you got me
Thinking it'll be alright.
You, you told me,
"Come and take a look inside."
You believed me,
In every single lie.
But I, I failed you this time.

And it feels like tonight.
I can't believe I'm broken inside.
Can't you see that there's nothing that I wanna do,
But try to make it up to you?
And it feels like tonight,
Tonight.

I was waiting
For the day you'd come around.
I was chasing,
And nothing was all I found.
From the moment you came into my life,
You showed me what's right.

And it feels like tonight.
I can't believe I'm broken inside.
Can't you see that there's nothing that I wanna do,
But try to make it up to you?
And it feels like tonight.

I never felt like this before.
Just when I leave, I'm back for more.
Nothing else here seems to matter.
In these ever-changing days,
You're the one thing that remains.
I could stay like this forever.

And it feels like tonight.
I can't believe I'm broken inside.
Can't you see that there's nothing that I wanna do,
But try to make it up to you?
And it feels like tonight.
Tonight.
Tonight.
'Cause there's nothing that I wanna do,
But try to make it up to you.
And it feels like tonight.
Tonight.

House of Cards

2008-07-19T08:47:00.000+08:00

You look around you and you think you see happiness. What is it that I seek? Sometimes I wonder if this mighty road less travelled is anything but a myth, nothing but an excuse for escaping from facing reality, from taking responsibility.

Yet, there’s inherent uncertainty. And I need to learn to do the right things, to have courage, and independence of heart and mind. Many stakeholders there are and these cloud judgment and blur principles. Temptations abound, testing wills and principles.

Another 22 weeks in the year and the path seems long, arduously mountainous. And when the foundation is weaker than what we see, what we perceive, what eyes looking in looking at believe, it is the classic house of cards waiting to tumble and crash like a million raindrops into a caged enclosed pail of misery.

Therein lays the conundrum. The price that one has to pay to make things right, to clean up the act is overwhelmingly large and painful. Not only to the one who has to do it, but all the stakeholders will have to bear the consequences, of a callous act which they know not of or choose not to acknowledge.

So do you have the courage to do the right things? And are you willing to pay the price?

Random Travel Journal

2008-07-19T08:46:00.001+08:00

Switching off the Zen halfway through When Harry Met Sally. As the 737 with colourful seats in economy descents upon the runway, one could see bright lights of traffic streaming across the dark flat expanse with dots of lights, probably of dwellings.

Was greeted yesterday night by a massive jam though. First impressions: road dominated by Toyota, long queues at Pertamina's dark dingy gas station but none at the Shelll, lots of road side stalls selling food, familiar brands like Giant, Fitness First, etc. The dinner was flavourful though I barely had appetite. But I did try the infamous apokat juice,avocado juice with chocolate sauce. Sinful and creamy. Thick green drink which is probably just avocado oil coursing through the thick plastic straw.

The hotel security is tight. With the MPV being scanned before entering the hotel while we had to go through a metal detector to enter the lobby.

Woke up early and could see that it was already bright and sunny. A vibrant city this is. As morning went by, traffic grew. Energy is abound here. People exercising across the street in a field, in the background of gleaming glass towers bouncing off the orange-like morning sun.

Am travelling on pothole ridden backroads to the office. And the day begins in earnest.

Doing The Right Things

2008-07-19T00:28:00.003+08:00

It is reasonably difficult to do things right. Especially when there are too many stakeholders. We know the best thing to do is not to satisfy everyone, because that's really not possible.

What do you do then? Do you force yourself to do the right thing? Do you take the principled path no matter what the price is? What if the price is a hefty one, one which causes grief and pain?

I need to know how to do it right because I am now being sucked into a vortex which I may have voluntarily walked into.

Really?

2008-07-06T23:34:00.002+08:00

"You see, I don't want a fling. I want the real deal."

"Forget about the real deal. You don't find it, it finds you."

"What does that mean? I don't know what that means."

"It means you get to a certain age and then you are ready. You know, you are ready for kids or a commitment or, you know...a mortgage. You know what I mean? And the person you are with then, they become the one."

"So you are saying it's not who, but it's when."

"So there's never been a guy, ever, that made you think, this is it. This is him, this is the one."

"No"

Cloudy Sunday

2008-06-29T19:13:00.000+08:00

A Java chip frap to perk him up as he went through the weekend business papers. But his mind is still aflutter with uncertainty. Plagued by the unknown more than usual on a cloudy, windy Sunday afternoon.

The calm exterior is still there. Years of practice pretending nothing in the world excites him or fazes him. But turmoil looms and closer it draws him into a spiral of thoughts. Thoughts are the bane of the soul for it pollutes the essence of quick, instinctive reactions. It dulls the courage within.

But a deadly weapon it is when thought converges with the heart and soul. In unison, they act to preserve what is dearest, most important.

As the sun sets today, he holds destiny in his hands. Will he let go of it again?

Is This Really Home?

2008-06-20T22:09:00.002+08:00

The older man asked, "Would you leave if he leaves?"
With no hesitation, the younger man answered, "Yes"

"Isn't that unprofessional?"

"Well, it isn't often you find a leader you share professional values with."

He reflected on the conversation as he made his way back to his gleaming office late in the evening.

"I found something I really enjoy doing, and I'll keep doing it until things change."

"Some people can't stand the hours."

"But I went in with my eyes wide open."

He remembers the wonderful warm people he works with. He remembers the trust and support given by him and them.

Yes, things can't really be rosy all the time. But the people makes all the difference. He has grown affection for them. The hurdles and challenges faced together. The dedicated and committed juniors. If he can keep it together and make it better, he would.

Perhaps he has found home. In the most unlikely place. Until of course, when things change.

A Crazy Bet? Or Shall I Be Patient?

2008-06-08T21:46:00.003+08:00

Do I take this bet, or not? It's a big bet. A whole 350 grand. The project is backed by 'strong people' but I don't like them ie. I don't like hypocrites. Or should I go for a longer play, ie. a 10 year play based on potential of many many years in the making (lots of empty land around, and in KL that's a rarity).

And on the extreme, can Malaysia survive such big bad structural weaknesses in the system?

I might have to turn mercenary.

Are we at the cusp of change?

2008-06-05T21:56:00.004+08:00

The news of Obama's being the presumptive Democratic was shown on TV as heated discussion and number crunching on the impact of the latest development in Malaysia underneath the bright lights took place in the middle of the night. Little men on the street interviewed on national TV, bemoaning their fate

Switched off the notebook and what was supposed to be an easy drive home was deviated by long queues for gas. The real rate of interest should be negative pretty soon. The country is already spending more money that it should. Inefficient. Brilliant ideas from those not in power, not.

Today was another day on the same issues. Things are swell personally but somehow it doesn't feel right. I packed my bags early, after a day of trying to be normal.

As I trudged across the city, the fast food drive-thru, usually packed, was almost empty. For how long though, before we forget again?

Why

2008-06-05T11:38:00.001+08:00

I read this particularly business weekly every week. I have not subscribed to it to enjoy the hefty discount. I prefer, at this juncture, to try to buy from this roadside stall selling newspaper, set-up in the last one year. That's the least I can do at the moment I guess, to help someone sustain his/her enterprise.

PS: On hindsight, how much does the additional cost in buying from the newstand goes to the retailer?

The Cina Test

2008-05-25T00:50:00.003+08:00

1. Likes karaoke
2. Likes steamboat
3. List sushi as favourite food and frequents Sushi King/Genki Sushi/Sakae Sushi/similar chains
4. Makes V sign in photographs
5. Enjoys weirdly flavoured tea
6. Fine dining in chain HK char chan tengs (omg fried spaghetti, cheese baked rice, flavoured drinks in big jars, 'french toast')
7. Enjoys going to cafes with small stage with occasional guitar carrying singer singing sappy Chinese songs
8. Watch sappy long winded Taiwanese/Korean drama

Feel free to suggest more criteria.

Phase 3 after next Wednesday

2008-05-17T22:11:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I wonder why I am so indisciplined at the personal level. Did I use up all my energy and focus on work? Let's see, this round of exam was supposed to be my most prepared one. But intentions has remained intentions, and it is now only a few days away (Wednesday).

I need airconditioning. I think I need to at least remove this paltry excuse.

On the same note, I would have to prepare better for the final paper in November. I'll enrol in classes early August. That should at least force me to get in the mood once a week till November. And force me to prepare because it's going to be a case study.

Work-wise, things are chugging along fine and dandy. Am comfortable, which is always a bad sign because it will bring along restlessness. Will be perfectly honest with what I expect this time around, and have typed it out in the form. My ambitions shall no longer be hidden, if it's not obvious already.

On the same note, I hope the numbers are 'round' enough. Will know in less than 2 months.

An Update

2008-05-13T22:48:00.003+08:00

Ah one more week. Sometimes I think I am no longer in the right frame of mind of academic stuff. The real thing is so much more interesting, and occasionally exciting. Plus it's real risks we are dealing with.

Been trying to study but pretty unsuccessfully vis-a-vis to what I am suppose to accomplish. The hot weather is giving me a bad headache and somehow I feel thirstier than usual.

Sometimes I wonder why am I plotting an escape while being one of the favoured ones. I guess my feet gets itchy and wants to get away. Yet it's frightening somewhat, this 'desire' to keep moving especially when things are actually moving along fine.

We'll see. We'll see how long the blue-eyed boy can hold-out. He might get well-rewarded if he is patient enough.

Back to work tomorrow! But only for a day.

Racing

2008-05-01T22:20:00.002+08:00

Frantic pace, and in the midst panic begins to race
Used to it, calmly, only managing the pace
The heart is not in it, but nobody's aware
The plot thickens, in the head and elsewhere
Nothing beats how the heartbeats race
Up a few notches, pain is hardly traced
Clear it all, time it would take
Openings and gambits but is not what I have
In hand there's much at stake
But really the heart has began to wander
and wants to be heard

Tunes

2008-04-23T19:54:00.003+08:00

Digging up old tunes from the past. Mellow down the pace so that I can actually start being productive in the academic sense. The past few weeks have been hectic but that's what I need. A jump-start to the year which was at risk of being hijacked by inertia. Will be trying to juggle exam preparations and a spike in workload. Was supposed to be on leave for 4 days from last week but so far managed on 1 day. Sort of destroys the momentum but I guess I have to be hungrier and go all out.

Damien Rice's Amie, Cannonball and Blower's Daughter (by far my favourite of the 3) can bring one down straight to the gutter. But I noticed the effect is blunt now. Immunity? Or just too damn busy to care?

Urgh, my back is acting up. Better get back to my books and sleep early. Crazy 2 days at work awaits.

1Q08

2008-03-31T22:40:00.003+08:00

Making this a fast one. So it's gonna be all over the place. The 1Q has ended and things are great, as usual. But I know better. It's close to a disaster, if I am to put some of my own measures into what it could have been. I know I am not at my best, not at my hungriest. Damn, not even hungry. Just ambling along, doing my thing (which has been pretty decent I might add) and taking things as they come (which is a good thing, really. I take punches really well nowadays).

I have not grabbed things by the scruff of the neck. Have not been making hard calls. Have allowed boredom to seep in. Yes I am still doing well, and am still passionate about getting things right, getting the best. But somehow I have let situations go. Have not been determined enough to take charge of situations. There's a frightening (small) amount of apathy and cynicism coming to the fore, mainly caused by perceived inability to change things due to more powerful forces. But no, I have to be foolish enough to do things right, to do things which are excellent, to perform my duties to my best possible ability.

1 more Q to the FYE. 3 more Qs to the CYE. Must get hungry, get foolish.

In other news, end of 1Q08 marks the end of my bond.

Public Service Broadcast

2008-03-01T22:56:00.002+08:00

I wish people would stop talking and thinking in the context of race. I hate it when politicians make speeches that says "Kita semua Melayu, Cina dan India....yadda yadda yadda". It never fails to make me cringe. Yes, I sound idealistic but I am not unaware of the divisive nature of current politics, governance and mindset, which are all very difficult to dismantle. I am sure there's a racist in us, big or small, dormant or active. But really, it takes just a bit of maturity and rational thinking to get over it and focus on things that matter: how well will the elected government serve all of us and the country?

So, don't forget to vote.

PS: Don't we have more articulate and intelligent people standing for elections? The pickings are really quite poor.

Flow

2008-02-28T23:59:00.003+08:00

It has been 2 months. I noticed I have not grabbed hold of destiny as much as I would have or planned. Have just been going with the flow, letting each day take me along in a not-so-wild journey. I think it's time to start taking charge. As difficult as it may be, I have to start getting things which I want and being at the right places at the right time.

5 months.

Zen

2008-02-28T10:26:00.002+08:00

Remember to stay hungry and foolish.

And repeat: Don't get angry, don't get angry, don't get angry.

Maintain zen-like, unaffected stance.

2 Weeks of Monkeys Out of the Cage

2008-02-28T10:24:00.000+08:00

Someone asked me if there's anything exciting in Malaysia this week.
I said, if you find watching monkeys exciting, then yes, Malaysia is right now exciting.

2008-02-05T23:19:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I do wonder if this is the right path.

Thinking Aloud

2008-01-27T18:53:00.000+08:00

I wonder what I would be like at 40. I hope by then I would be very comfortable in my skin, and that I have vanquished most if not all of my demons. I hope I am happy by then. Of course it wouldn't hurt if I get my dirty paws on a nice roadster by then.

Now, the path has cleared temporarily. Do I dance to the tune and show them the finger at the end of it? The competitive side of me wants to prove it. But what if it's all futile? And what if I stumble? Can I sacrifice 3-4 months, and convince myself that there is such a thing as delayed gratification? I know they are looking to fill the gap from outside. So it could all be in vain. Do I suspend my personal goals this time and use the same sacrificial lamb I used 2.5 years ago?

Am not quite ready. Like to do things right the first time.

Faraway

2008-01-10T14:44:00.000+08:00

The searching side of me wants to be able to sing this song. And I can then come home.

Another summer day
has come and gone away
In Paris or Rome...
but I wanna go home
...uhm Home
may be surrounded by
a million people I
still feel all alone
just wanna go home
I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters
that I wrote to you,
Each one a line or two
I'm fine baby, how are you?
I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane, another sunny place,
I'm lucky I know
but I wanna go home
I got to go home

Let me go home

I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I'm living
someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
when everything was going right
And I know just why you could not come along with me
This was not your dream
but you always believed in me...

Another winter day
Has come and gone away
in either Paris or Rome
and I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by
A million people I
still feel alone
Let me go home
I miss you , you know

Let me go home
I've had my run
baby I'm done
I gotta go home

Let me go home
it'll all be alright
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home

Rockstars

2008-01-10T13:13:00.000+08:00

Contrary to what some like to believe, being the star isn't always pleasant.

Blue eyed boy has a lot to live up to.

Welcome 2008

2007-12-31T23:25:00.000+08:00

I became a year older. And now 2007 is at its dying moments. I have grown. I have learned. I can, as usual, do better. But then again, that's just me with my own set of measurements. 2007 was supposed to be uneventful. Another auto-pilot year but things took a drastic turn in Q4, in all aspects. Well, drastic may be too strong a description. Unexpected turn of events and/or new perspectives unmasking what I had wanted to believe. And my searching routine came back in a big way. The indecisiveness crept in. And the desire for the big wide unknown jumped up at a contented me.

Crossroads, again. Work. People. Decisions. Have been reluctant to face up to 2008, knowing full well what a daunting road it is ahead. Deflated. Was not looking forward to the end of 2007.

Do I give it all I have or do I hold back and leave something on the table for myself? I don't know. It is like choosing between working >70 hours a week because I like it and capping it at 60 hours a week for my health and me-time. Do I follow my heart and leave a string of unresolved issues behind? Do I go with the flow or do the right things?

I don't know what 2008 will bring. But bring it on.

PS: 2007 was not bad at all. I did very well indeed. Acknowledged at work. Accomplished a few things professionally and academically. Started the year exploring New York for a few days which is something I had always wanted to do. Bought a comfy little car. It's just that it has ended not quite the way I had expected it to. Count your blessings, Resurrected! Count your blessings!

Autopilot

2007-12-31T23:15:00.000+08:00

I have been on autopilot for maybe 2 years. Autopilot because there is a set of objectives to achieve: from getting into grad school, financing for school, learning in grad school, studying and exams, travelling, internship, job hunting (and the experience of it) and subsequently proving my mettle at the new job.

I am at a stage where I am asking, what now?

The plan was this: Stay in KL for 2 years from 15 January 2007 to clear the Fulbright requirement (which will enable me to work/live in the US, if I get the opportunity to and decide to do so).

Now I am in limbo-land.

I am getting impatient with things. Everything.

Written a few weeks ago