Roots

There is a strange comfort I feel every time a Chinese song is aired on the radio when I drive. People find it weird that I sometimes tune into Chinese radio stations when I can't understand most of the songs they play. Siew Kuan thinks I tune into Chinese stations just to please her ears. She is wrong (partly) in that assumption. I used to do it just to irritate Oy Lin back in our uni days. She couldn't understand a word, and I could understand some. I fooled a whole bunch of people into thinking I know not a word in Chinese in my first year at uni. And no, listening to Chinese stations has nothing to do with me wanting to hit on Chinese speaking girls (but ability to flirt in Mandarin was helpful) :P

But as time went by, it became more and more natural. Maybe it has something to do with the deluge of Chinese language entertainment I got from Singaporean TV throughout my 4 years in JB. Maybe it was due to staying with a bunch of Chinese speaking housemates for 3 years. Maybe it was the whole JB environment where Mandarin was spoken a lot.

Actually, I may not know each and all of the words, but I can pretty much catch the essence of it. And I do speak the language, just not very fluently and I don't know a lot of words. But the language can strangely flow off my tongue as if it is my first language, when required.

It was my first language for many years. It was the first language I learnt as a toddler. It is still the main language I use to communicate with my parents and our extended family. There are things that can only be expressed best in Mandarin. But it is just not the language my mind is tuned in. Strange. I can't remember when the transition took place.

Perhaps my comfort stems from familiarity. Sort of going back to the roots. And everytime I feel a bit down, I know there is a possible remedy to smoothen the jagged edges of my emotions.