Conditioning and Destiny

Conditioning. I was told I might have conditioned from a very young age or even not-so-young-age to not feel excited, not too display a lot of joy when I achieve, to behave as if it’s nothing to be proud of. Excited about things, good things = happiness.

That’s the problem I guess. I get a good number, sure, it was great but it really didn’t show on this face of mine. I stand on Eiffel Tower and I was not amazed, having come a long way from humble beginning. I have done many many things I should be proud of, yet I focus on the things I did not achieve or have not achieved. Hunger? Or hunger misplaced?

I am in my prime, yet I feel like I am still so raw and young. Perhaps I set the bar too high for myself because people don’t see me as raw and young.

But this is also a strength. It makes me work harder, and I know how much I need this push as I lack motivation on many things (again, perhaps it’s only my perception. I am apparently very driven). And I stay calm in situations. Unfazed. So how does one reconcile the need to feel excited and yet staying calm?

I feel I have a tendency not to grab destiny and hold it and bend it and make it mine.