Am I A Keeper?

It is strange how after being engrossed on work for almost the whole day, just a sudden short break can trigger a wealth of colourful emotions. There is good and bad though. As usual I managed to shrug it off and continued with my work. The bad thing is, I tend to wander off again every now and then. It happens often enough to have me worried and I considered getting help. But then I realised, this is very much who I am. I am a person that believes in clarity, hence my almost constant need to get in touch with those feelings. Sometimes it's a whole lot of happiness, sometimes it is melancholic in nature, sometimes it brings up many interesting questions.

I've asked myself a few times, including tonight, if I'm a keeper. Yeah, sure I think I'm a keeper of friendship, this I'm certain. But am I a keeper of romantic relationships? Some close friends noted that I tend to give in too much, giving up easily. Perhaps there is some truth in it. I'm not known to fight to keep a relationship alive as it slides down to the abyss. And I'm not known to fight (not known but I have done my share of fighting, just not visible) to win someone's heart. There's a downside to this they say, I love wonderfully and with passion. Yet, I can't keep it burning. Perhaps I fear a loss in the fight. Sometimes I respond too quickly to any signs of hesitation from the other party. My response is normally to give her space. But space is no good apparently, some wise ones told me. It most probably is going to be misconstrued as not caring. And not wanting it to happen enough. Damn, I can do anything right, even if I think it is only right to back-off when a girl seems to hesitate or start having doubts. I do it out of respect and for her to do some introspection perhaps. Perhaps I don't want to destroy what is already there. But where is growth if one does not take risks?

I’m not the most communicative person around because I tend to keep things to myself. I see no point getting other people involved with my problems, even if the person is my partner. I mean, she has enough problems of her own, and there is only a pair of listening ears at any one time. So I usually forgo my use of it. And when I do actually have grouses, or issues, it really means it is dead serious. Yet, this is a weakness. Yeah, to be a strong and supportive partner is a weakness if you do not expect the same strength and support from the other party. Because you would be taken for granted. And that builds resentment in you. And creates another deadly blow to Resurrected’s relationship.

I’m probably too sensitive at reading people, especially a loved one. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I assume too much, without asking or clarifying. Maybe I’m just not ready. But then, I know I’m decent. I know I work hard at it. I think i must be meeting all the wrong people. Even if I think they are right for me, they probably are wrong for me, very, very wrong for me. Perhaps the next one will make me fight?

Ah I think too much. It is time to go home and sleep.