Juncture

Strange as the day draws closer, I get more apprehensive. No, not apprehensive for her, one of my best friends from days of yore. But rather I am apprehensive for myself. Because it seems to hit reality that I am really not quite grown up. My worldview is still about me, myself and I.

And it hit me, slowly over the week that I am really really not ready for anything that anchors me. And that my mind and heart flits in and out of certainty.

Self-awareness is a strong suit to have but it wrecks havoc with the whole risk management system. Early warning systems, good awareness of own sentiments (but not necessarily understanding why) and always ready to pre-empt coupled with good human behaviour observation skills is a good combo for a standstill. Risk averse. Added with the short span of attention. And the propensity to seek the impossible. And the crazy need for challenges.

Therein lies the contradiction. Risk aversion. Sense of adventure. Tug of war. Big time.

Anyhow, an early congratulations to you OL. Didn’t mean to use you as a piece here. But am truly apprehensive and am not as assured and as brave as you are. I hope to see you and the baby girl soon.

Do I keep flying? Do I keep running?