A Dilemma

Someone wrote about this question : When is the exact moment that a relationship starts? At this point, it is a rather pertinent question for me as well.

I find myself uncertain and I’m sure she is too (the other party in my quandary). I think our actions and interaction challenge the definition of what a relationship is. In her words “There, but not quite there.” At the moment, we are just friends. And friendship is very important to me.

My past experiences and observations are not of any help in this situation. This is a finely balanced situation. A tilt here or a knock there would have quite an impact. We are both afraid. Knowing each other’s habits and idiosyncrasies is perhaps a good thing. Spending time together helps in creating understanding and perhaps shared experiences. But I ask myself if I’m inflating her hopes. That if this is the direction we should be heading.

So I am not really sure if anything at all has started. Will we know when it happens? There are times our words foretell that we are optimistic that it would eventually take place. There are times we behave as if we are a pair already. At times it feels like one-way traffic, either way. Other times, we behave normally as friends would do.

A close friend once told me, you'll never really be sure when it comes to these things until you are in the relationship. So I admit I am a coward. Perhaps a bit of commitment phobic in me. I am not as brave to take the plunge just to find out.

Letting things flow naturally is the key operating principle at the moment. I will not put artificial brakes or barriers to this as tempting as it may be to soothe my fears, that I have agreed and promised. The thing about this natural flow principle is, gosh, it has been flowing really fast. I was expecting a glacier-like speed, but we are on a Formula One track. When things happen so fast, lines are blurred. Hence my dilemma, when and how will it actually start? Or will it at all? Or should we at all? Or has it started already?

I suspect there is no exact defining moment, but rather a whole string of events tied up to give that positive feeling about each other. For a lot of people, they think it's when they ask for the whole relationship to start, sort of like when you are officially a couple. That would be too simplistic, to me at least. Hmm, but perhaps simplicity is the elusive key.

But I admit too, that I enjoy her company. Yes, pure companionship. Honest and sincere interaction. And I look forward to meeting her again for more discoveries and sharing. I look forward to her elegant words. I will be away for a while soon, and would definitely miss her. I admit I have issues. I admit I am afraid. I admit I am no angel. I admit I am afraid of hurting her somewhere down the road. I can't give a definitive yes or no. At the moment, I am happy, and even more so with her. I want it to last, and taking a risk may destroy what we have. Yet, it's moving along so fine, and it's a great feeling to have hope shared with someone so dear.

I too can't help feeling that I'm being unfair.