Wednesday, June 01, 2005

A Dilemma

Someone wrote about this question : When is the exact moment that a relationship starts? At this point, it is a rather pertinent question for me as well.

I find myself uncertain and I’m sure she is too (the other party in my quandary). I think our actions and interaction challenge the definition of what a relationship is. In her words “There, but not quite there.” At the moment, we are just friends. And friendship is very important to me.

My past experiences and observations are not of any help in this situation. This is a finely balanced situation. A tilt here or a knock there would have quite an impact. We are both afraid. Knowing each other’s habits and idiosyncrasies is perhaps a good thing. Spending time together helps in creating understanding and perhaps shared experiences. But I ask myself if I’m inflating her hopes. That if this is the direction we should be heading.

So I am not really sure if anything at all has started. Will we know when it happens? There are times our words foretell that we are optimistic that it would eventually take place. There are times we behave as if we are a pair already. At times it feels like one-way traffic, either way. Other times, we behave normally as friends would do.

A close friend once told me, you'll never really be sure when it comes to these things until you are in the relationship. So I admit I am a coward. Perhaps a bit of commitment phobic in me. I am not as brave to take the plunge just to find out.

Letting things flow naturally is the key operating principle at the moment. I will not put artificial brakes or barriers to this as tempting as it may be to soothe my fears, that I have agreed and promised. The thing about this natural flow principle is, gosh, it has been flowing really fast. I was expecting a glacier-like speed, but we are on a Formula One track. When things happen so fast, lines are blurred. Hence my dilemma, when and how will it actually start? Or will it at all? Or should we at all? Or has it started already?

I suspect there is no exact defining moment, but rather a whole string of events tied up to give that positive feeling about each other. For a lot of people, they think it's when they ask for the whole relationship to start, sort of like when you are officially a couple. That would be too simplistic, to me at least. Hmm, but perhaps simplicity is the elusive key.

But I admit too, that I enjoy her company. Yes, pure companionship. Honest and sincere interaction. And I look forward to meeting her again for more discoveries and sharing. I look forward to her elegant words. I will be away for a while soon, and would definitely miss her. I admit I have issues. I admit I am afraid. I admit I am no angel. I admit I am afraid of hurting her somewhere down the road. I can't give a definitive yes or no. At the moment, I am happy, and even more so with her. I want it to last, and taking a risk may destroy what we have. Yet, it's moving along so fine, and it's a great feeling to have hope shared with someone so dear.

I too can't help feeling that I'm being unfair.

8 Comments:

At June 01, 2005 7:26 pm, Anonymous Solb1 Kenobi said...

Resurrected one. What does *she* want out of all this? Has she told you? You're 'sure' she's uncertain, or you 'know' (because she *told* you)?

Methinks your first acid test was correct: "I ask myself if I’m inflating her hopes."

"I want it to last" But you want *what* to last?


Goddammit.. I'm in Doctor Phil mode again! *slaps face*

 
At June 01, 2005 8:18 pm, Blogger Resurrected said...

Haha a Kenobi Dr Phil :P
Answers :

Yes we are very open, hence she told me.

Thanks. Me likes me test questions because they can keep me awake for long hours. I have many more self check questions waiting for activation :P

I want the current good feeling, positive vibes and companionship to last.

Oh btw, I know you are in the finance field. Do you have any opinions on UK and US postgrad schools? I have 2 offers in hand, one from US and the other from UK. I'm keen to change into corporate finance, currently I'm in management accounting/financial analysis/financial reporting

 
At June 01, 2005 11:33 pm, Anonymous Solb1 Kenobi said...

haha.. I know all about 'leading a girl on', unintentionally or otherwise. That's why I'm celibate now 'coz I'm repentant! LOL

On your career path, I'm not much help. I'm a UK econs geek and trader by training. I got no opinion on UK grad schools, but methinks US grad schools are what's wrong with corporate America these days! haha

Seriously, maybe a CFA program is better for you? You can go to night school locally for that, no need for grad schools. There a good local KL college that does all three levels (can't remember the name).

 
At June 02, 2005 12:02 pm, Blogger Resurrected said...

:o) I think it will turn out alright.

Hmm, not CFA and night school. I did CIMA with night school. I looked at the CFA syllabus and I didn't really fancy it. Plus more night school would kill me. Seriously, I'm drained.

I got offers on a Fulbright (partial scholarship) to Thunderbird in Arizona and also admitted to Cambridge for MBA. I'm still fiddling around.

 
At June 03, 2005 1:26 am, Blogger priya said...

Hmm..all this while I was thinking that the 'go with the flow' was a good idea. Now with the two of you questioning everything, I'm not so sure anymore =/

 
At June 03, 2005 1:38 am, Blogger Resurrected said...

priya : Going with the flow, I think it's a good idea too :o) But balance is important. One flows too fast while the other slower will create problems. I am a cynic, so pardon my loud questioning.

 
At June 04, 2005 12:55 am, Blogger priya said...

Yeah, but it's a cycle isn't it? I mean, 'fast' and 'slow' are relative terms.

I'm young, so pardon my need to argue =P

 
At June 05, 2005 9:52 am, Blogger ikoko said...

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