Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Living with Mistakes

The last 12 months have been plagued by mistakes after mistakes. If there's any period in my life which seems irrationally rash and uncertain, it is the last 12 months.

I regret holding back and then acting too late.

I regret telling when it was just rash.

I regret the move.

And like a whirlwind, these mistakes continue. These mistakes are being made daily because of the way I've constructed this life.

I stare at my mistakes daily.

And it's not helping my poor tired heart.

Now what? Tell me. Please.

Friday, August 06, 2010


Just like that, a series of decisions and letting things happen, of not thinking through and being fickle. It has happened. And now I have to live with it. Live it up. Amidst the expectations of excitement and fanfare, there is a measure of indifference from me.

An indifference which bugs me to no end. A certain sadness enveloping this heart, compounded by this event, of leaving 30 years behind, of what feels like abandonment and to an extent, ungratefulness.

What's done is done. Now moving forward. I would need another project to distract myself.

The past couple of weeks have been marked by betrayal and growing disdain. It's a chapter which has to be closed soon enough, for no matter what happens from now on, the damage is irrepairable. I will not forgive and I never forget.

So now, what do I do?

I can punch up my class. Middleweight wanting to show the heavyweights a thing or two about the fight. My left hook is unforgiving and has raw power. My right hook, skilled and draws blood. I can stand tall and reignite the desire to win. Let my real self manifest. The alpha who wants nothing but victory. But this time, he's going to be back, stronger than ever, wiser, knowing when to let go and take a step back, choosing battles.