Monday, March 28, 2005

Off Days

I'm off for an interview in Singapore. Wish me luck :)

Will be back on Friday.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Another Side of Me

"The first time I'm reading what you wrote on your blog brings me to another side of you I never realised."

I guess there are many side to a person depending on what role he/she is playing. Sometimes you have to be more stoic than usual. Sometimes you use your laughter to mask the fear and pain. Sometimes you cannot let the words whirling in your head get out through you mouth.

This friend in particular perhaps never had the privilege to see me at the deepest moments of reflection. But I think my dear, if you read on in the archives, you'll find things you think ought to be me. Like when I speak of serious external issues. It still is the familiar old Resurrected that you know since seven years ago.

Which brings to the question : Why do I blog? It started out as a journey of self-expression. It still is. This is not an anonymous blog and I think most readers are people who know me (perhaps less so nowadays).

I do wonder if the many roles I play outside of this blog are really far different from the person one sees here. Perhaps I'm less restrained here. Perhaps I'm more expressive here when it comes to certain matters.

But I think in principle, Resurrected is the same here and out there.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Common Malady

The haze and 80,000 unemployed graduates pretty much sums up the headlines in the local papers this week. Bush fire in Sepang and Dengkil is suffocating the Klang Valley. Oh yes, the dogs that attacked a kid was a major thing in the tabloids (ie. My lunchtime reading material Malay Mail. It is about the only time I get to be brainless).

Anyway, the 80,000 unemployed graduates brought about this question from the radio station I was listening to Wednesday morning. One particular caller said this, he believes in the school of hard knocks, as in you don’t need the paper qualification but rather, you need the experience. But when asked if his children has problems when subscribing to this principle, he said that unfortunately they have problems getting jobs since they don’t have paper qualification. And he went on criticising how employers in Malaysia are only interested in paper qualification.

I think that is an old school of thought. I think it is about a base level society sets. The base level happens to be higher now as educational opportunities has been growing. You only need one credit in SPM to enter colleges. That is really, really easy. Especially with how kids are scoring straight As nowadays.

I particularly do not subscribe to the idea that one is better than the other when comparing paper qualification and work experience. The richness or quality of the qualification and experience is determining factor.

Getting a job is about impression. The impression you give on paper, your resume is the first step. Then they would want to meet you, to reconcile the paper with you, the person. If all goes well, you’ll get the job.

I think we have a serious problem at hand. We need to ask ourselves why these people are considered unemployable. We need to be sure that whatever training scheme we plan to spend money on can really help. I’ve had the opportunity of working with people under such schemes, and sad to say they were truly disappointing work wise. They were barely able to string a report together, and they can barely speak in English. On paper, they looked ok. In person, it was a problem. The technical knowledge they have or even quick common sense was severely lacking. There was a gem among these trainees, but she took up the scheme just as the interim as she has just moved here. Eventually, as expected, she found a permanent job. I’m not sure about the rest.

This malady not only befalls local graduates, although I get the impression that the situation is heavier on the local graduates. Foreign graduates may come home with a degree but surprisingly, some of their language skills can be below par and their maturity seem no better than those not exposed to living on their own.

Perhaps this a generational malaise, affecting those who have had poor basics in schools. But I think it is more of an attitude problem than anything else. The desire and want to improve oneself.


I do not know what came over me. The scourging sensation that makes me not think. Just a reaction, or more like a long explosion. Uncontrolled. Unbridled.

The glass apple. As it hit the floor, the end was certain. End game this is. Three years. And this is what it comes to. Smashed to pieces. The monster that lives within ignited, alive because of you. Stoked. Three years. Burning slowly. Till today.

I watched as you picked up the pieces. And a trickle of blood from your soft silky finger, it hurts me to see you that way. You grimaced. I remember the fingers, dancing. Nimble. Soft firm touches we shared. I surprised myself with such fury, directed to precious you. My precious. How could I?

No more. I walked away. For you deserve not such pain. And blood. Life in pieces, we moved on. The glass apple etched in memory. In smithereens.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Car Park

We parked our cars side by side, usually. We arrived almost at the same time. A hi and good morning, that was how it started.

‘What’s your name?’

Followed by visits to each other’s sphere, brief chats.

We stood, car doors open, standing there and we spoke. Ignored the passing cars and pedestrians.

And that was how it all started. A new bond.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

4th Level

The 4th level of the library was my favourite. Not sure why, but those who knew me knew where to look for me. Sometimes I hide away in the freezing cold lowest level.

Her library habits were alike. 4th level. And occasionally the lowest level. Wearing her dark blue jacket and her hair tied up. The volume of her hair was low, she makes do with that face. That baby doll face. And when she pouts, it was potent. She was the most popular one around. Ah yes, some girls couldn’t see why. But I think that was jealousy :P

Somehow, we became friends.

Red Scooter Rider

Your smile. Your dreams. I remember.

A red scooter, wearing your favourite jacket.

I don’t think I’ve met anyone as honest, as helpful and as innocent, not a stain of hatred in you. A friend all of us trusted.

Why did He had to take you away from us?

Tuesday Musings

You do it without knowing. Slicing lightly with paper. The pain sharp,
blood does not flow. Do you really do not know? I wish to hold on. But you can't let go of another past. You can't seem to move away, take a step towards me. I think you know.

On another note, it is only Tuesday! 3 more weeks. Just 3 more weeks. Well, less than 3 weeks actually. 20 days. 12 working days.

Conversation on Monday
Colleague : I saw her today
Resurrected : The colour uncoordinated one?
Colleague : Today she wore all black, she looked ok
Resurrected : That would make her look too skinny. She is already quite
skinny. At least she wasn't wearing her red shoes.
Colleague : She is quite cute
Resurrected : Yes, purple pants and all. She is a walking fashion
disaster. Wonder which 'kampung' she comes from.
Colleague : You are a very cruel man.
Resurrected : She needs an image consultant. I can do the job as charity.
Colleague : Malas lah nak layan engkau.
Resurrected : I like her already.

I may have to delete this post. I may end up getting myself killed if she reads this. I mean, how many people wear red shoes (sneakers mind you, to work) and purple trousers. I'm sure if she reads this she will know it is about her. But I think she doesn't know who owns this blog. So yes, loyal readers, if anyone ask you who Resurrected actually is, do not reveal it. Say it is an anonymous blog. Please. Thank you very much.

I saw this leather jacket at FOS going for RM 239.90. Brown. Nice. Cheap. Tempted to buy. But I'm not sure if it is suitable for autumn in this particular place. Must wait till consultant comes home. But that's more than a month from now. How about this? I buy it now and if it is not suitable, I'll sell it to any readers for RM 200. Anyone wants to make a booking? :P This is of course not for my respected readers who do not believe in skinning cows for vanity. Ok, now that I've written that sentence, I'm having second thoughts, about skinning cows. But how am I suppose to live without my Jack Daniels ribs! You cannot gnaw at a tofu sandwich!

Exams is coming up soon. And I'm trying to step up a gear this week into studying. I managed to briefly cover important models of business strategy analysis yesterday, don't want to be caught offguard in class today, being totally lost. I'm more worried about my financial paper. It is quite daunting, and you should believe it as I used to understand my finance major subjects. Must play catch up. First subject to cover when I'm on holiday in April is this financial strategy paper.

Must make it to class on time. Must make it to class on time. That's only wishful thinking. I should feel lucky if I only miss 30 minutes. Travelling in Klang Valley can be such a pain.

Slice me open. I am all yours. Take me.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Old Sunshine

She was a real sunshine. Spontaneous. Fun. Witty. Intelligent. The nights away from home made more bearable, in fact enjoyable. Ah yes, haven’t had as much intellectual and humourous exchanges with anyone since then.

I do miss it.

But time has changed. Seasons came and left.

“You were a real good friend. I miss it somewhat.”

Well, so were you.

A Triangle

I could feel her pain. I know she questioned herself. And I know how she struggled to break free. And I know how she had hoped.

And I was of no use. The truth is I wasn’t at my best. It pained me to see her this way. Yet my hands are tied, the choices are hers. All I could say was, you do what’s best for you. But deep down inside, all I want to do is to shake her up, tell her to wake up and stop being stupid. I think she knew. But it was that hard for her to break free.

From this I learnt not to judge parties involved in a triangle. Everyone has their own stories.

The Temptress

It was utter obsession. I saw her when I least expect. With Beautiful Stranger playing in the background as I whiz past, eerily so. The flowing hair as she cycles. The innocent playful eyes, evidently seeking adventure.

Let me be your adventure. Oh yes, it was utter obsession.

I had to do it. I had to.

Ah what a temptress. Tempting, yet far out of reach.

Or so I thought.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

The Trio

Slightly Ajar

Narrow stream of light
Escaping through the gap
The door slightly ajar
Why don’t you take a peek?

Trust me it won’t cause fright
All it needs is a gentle tap
And the door will open wide and far
Isn’t this what you seek?

What’s inside that gives light?
Come inside and take a look
The promise is of joy and adventure
Take my hand and up we go

Take a gamble for there is only once
When the door is slightly ajar


You wonder if you are deserving
I tell you you are without even trying
You whisper into my ears
You fear so much, but hear my prayers

Clearly you do not believe
Clearly you think this is pain
But really just look at yourself
The pain is yours not mine

Your destiny is yours
I play no part in it


Bitter taste to swallow
Imagination running wild
Intuition seldom wrong

A promise that was blooming
Now out of sight and mind
Deliberate it must be

Leaving much space unclaimed
Space reserved only for you
Remnants of a false dawn

So much is unexplained
The silence is unappreciated
Where is your honesty?

Friday, March 18, 2005

My Sanctuary (?)

AMCORP Mall is a relatively small-sized shopping mall, conveniently located across a LRT station and also the down-memory-lane A&W drive through in PJ. AMCORP is just located off the Federal Highway. It is also the place I run to, sometimes to escape the afternoon heat, sometimes for a change from the usual lunch haunts. It is also the easiest place to arrange for lunch with friends nearby on working days….everyone knows where AMCORP is. And parking is easy in the evenings.

On some evenings, I would just go to the cineplex in AMCORP, for hassle-free movie watching. It doesn’t have state of the art sound system or well arranged seats, but I get to watch what I want without the crowd. I need not rush as it is just a short drive away from office. I need not worry about long queues. Of course I won’t get many choices, but if I’m specific enough about what I want to watch, this is the place to go to.

There are second magazine and books stores there. I found a number of gems there.

As for food, there’s the usual McDonald’s, Kenny Rogers and Starbucks. I usually take my meals at Seri Melaka, or if I want it quick, I go for Kryros Kebab. There’s a decent Korean eatery on the top floor and assortment of other restaurants (Japanese, typical Chinese,etc). The Mexican bun (rotiboy) on the ground floor is one of the better ones around.

On weekends, the place comes alive with its bazaar. You can find all sorts of things being peddled from comics (some archived in CDs!), old records to books, custom jewellery, and loads of other interesting stuff. The other day I saw pet lizards being sold. And I bought a whole collection of Dilbert and Calvin & Hobbes daily strip a few weeks ago, but being the procrastinator that I am, I haven’t started reading it :P

I’m going to miss this place.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Repressed Personality

It is quite amusing when someone who speaks fluent English and usually writes correctly suddenly sends out a string of emails with atrocious
grammatical errors. One particularly email stood out as perfectly 'not

I was reprimanded though, for having a good laugh at her expense. But I'm sure she doesn't mind ;)

And then the perfect English started coming back. Ah it was temporary. She was probably under stress and typed her emails too fast.

But then, it happened again. And again.

I have a theory for this. The Ah Lian in her is trying to get out. Or she has some repressed memories, and it manifested into bad English.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Here Goes

I didn't really want to post it. But I guess I should let my voice be heard. SOme points may be out of date as there are just too many emails flying around about this. I wrote this a couple of weeks ago. So here goes :

I stepped into a debating competition a 2 weekends ago. To adjudicate. It was good to be back. I can see new emerging talents and it is heartening to know that the community is still very much alive.

One of the main reasons I have stayed away for a while was the politics. I really disliked it. And I still do have an aversion towards it. Sometimes I feel we get too caught up with our differences that we forget the greater purpose of our small community. Which is why I did not defend my old varsity team when they came under fire 2 years ago for purported bad organisation of the All Asians. They can stand on their own two feet, I believed. And I wasn’t involved actively anymore. However, I do have an email defending them which I did not send out, and only a select few contemporaries had the privilege of reading my not so nice email addressed to some people I regard as important people in the debating scene, people that were part of my growing years as a debater.

I now wonder if I should have sent that email then. Because two All Asians after that, the very same people, in my humble opinion, are being hypocritical as they defended the current organiser for the very same crimes they so aggressively attacked my juniors on. No, I have nothing against the current organisers, I view them as firm acquaintances if not friends. Many have devoted their energy and time for the betterment of the debating scene in their respective sphere of influence. And I do understand the many constraints they face in organising something so important and large-scale. I just wish the debate community can extend the same kind of consideration to my juniors two years ago.

If you are an Asian debater, you would have read or heard about the latest development in Asia. The All-Asians versus AUDC issue. Due to dissatisfaction with the representation on the adjudication pool, specifically, there were dissatisfaction with the choice of the DCA and the lack of additional DCA form other regions within Asia. (DCA = Deputy Chief Adjudicator), a break-away tournament AUDC is in the process of being organised. While I haven’t followed the development closely, as I don’t really have time to read every email sent my way (debaters aren’t exactly concise writers), but I’m of the opinion that the formation of AUDC is a double-edged sword.

My thoughts :

There is no such thing as perfect adjudication. I had witnessed enough dodgy adjudicators in action to know that having more or less DCAs does little to improve the quality, unless the DCAs can really filter. What I see if the lack of trust on the DCA which UM has chosen. Personal feelings aside (I have great respect for the man), perhaps if the community largely feels that there is a problem of integrity, they can offer suggestions. I have a feeling there was frustration with UM due to the perceived slowness in responding to the request for an additional DCA, but I hope they understand that it isn’t easy to deal with bureaucracies and money matters in a public university. Yes, I know the grouses had been made a while ago, and perhaps UM didn’t see the need to respond till too late, but an alternative tournament? I know that a list of suggested adjudicators were given to UM but is the AUDC because UM did not select anyone from the list? Again I feel this is well a bit childlike.

And why must AUDC be seen as a competitor to All Asians? Can it not be held further apart (perhaps as a precursor to Australs or Worlds)? I feel it is not gentlemanly be do so. And this whole situation puts smaller institutions at a disadvantage. To get exposure, you have to chose between two tournaments, with some good teams in either one. How do you choose? You want more Singaporean teams, go AUDC? You want more Malaysian teams, go Asians (not entirely true though, Malaysians are split)?

AUDC is being offered as an alternative for those who have lost faith in the All Asians process. But a rather unilateral action doesn’t seem to give comfort at all in terms of cohesion in our already divided community. It doesn’t seem to fit in the concept of consultation and democracy. The question about 2/3 majority needed to amend the constitution shouldn’t arise. 2/3 majority requirement exist in democratic process as a form of safeguard. A simple majority mathematically is just not good enough if it undermines a substantial number of people. When it comes to the All Asians, I’ve been on the 2/3 and 1/3 side before and I hold no grudge against those that voted differently from the way I did. I accepted the decisions in good faith and have in my mind perhaps the time was not right and the proposal may be revived later.

On a smaller context, as team captain, I’ve been on a minority too when it comes to voting for decisions on what our vote should be in the Council. It’s just part of the process really and as much as I have reservations about certain people, I do not doubt the sincerity of their intentions when it comes to improving and upholding the good of the debate community. Issues are meant to be debated (ironic we can’t seem to do so objectively) and then decided upon.

AUDC can be a good thing. If its aims are noble enough. It is a good thing to have, another Asian level debate tournament. But perhaps the founders can look at the impact it has on the larger context. And perhaps it can be organised further apart, and with a different style even (British Parliamentary anyone?)

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Asking For Too Much?

I am not sure if Malaysian women in particular are asking for too much nowadays of relationships and men (if they are heterosexual). But I do read and hear a lot of complaints about Malaysian men. And I have to admit I do get annoyed with this sort of perception.

Honestly, when I look around me, the men I know aren't all that bad. I know very good men, with strong sense of accountability, integrity, great sense of humour, respect people, humble, intelligent, and the list goes on. So why is it so hard for women to locate such men?

I think the question lies with women themselves. Looking at the wrong places perhaps. Looking at the wrong things. Not knowing how to bail out when things are showing signs of bad tidings. Meeting men they think they can change. Meeting wrong men. Not valuing themselves. I've seen seemingly strong intelligent women falling into this trap of thinking things will be fine, and that love must come with a dose of pain. Well, newsflash. It doesn't have to work that way.

It is values that matters. I'm not talking about loosening your standards. But a meaningful relationship cannot possibly be built on a list. It is something more intangible, trust. And respect. Acceptance. Love. Faith. And hell lot of hard work.

And the same goes for men out there.

By the way, watch Hitch for some cliched tips :P

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Seduction Style

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires.
And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek.
You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships.
It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Young Love

I am not an advocate of teenage romance.

Yesterday while listening to a radio on the way to work, a topic was brought up in he broadcast, triggered by a 13 year old dedicating a song to her boyfriend. The question posed was ‘Is 13 too young? What is the right age to start dating?’.

What I feared came true. Most ‘adults’ that called in (except for a few, very few sane ones) were saying 13 is too young. The right age? After Fifth Form. When they start earning a pay cheque. They should concentrate on their studies. The classic : when they have built a strong foundation, they will find someone. Crap. Explain ‘me’ please.

Gosh. Have these people never been teenagers? It is all self-denial, really. I do not believe these people never had their share of thwarted or otherwise, attempts at romance at that age. Mistakes? Tell that to the happily married couple for 30 years, who started their romance at 14.

What’s more upsetting is, how can you belittle the seriousness of the feelings of teenagers? If you are in their shoes, imagine the sweetness, the rush and the pain. How can you ignore this? How can you impose your staid, colourless world view, your cynicism on young minds and hearts? We all know for a fact they capable of such emotions. Sure it seems trivial to us adults. But emotion is not something to be trivialised. It should be treated with respect. Yes, they may be a tad immature. Guide them.

I am an advocate of love.

Give them a break. Be there for them instead. It is all part of growing up. The question should be, do you want to be part of it?

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Recollection 12 : Melted

I was hungry, and tired. All I wanted was to be left alone. It was a bad day. Losing two rounds in a day wasn’t exactly the standard I have set for myself. I boarded the last bus. ‘I will just eat at the hotel.’

And then she came, and said, ‘Please let me take you out for dinner, you should try our food.’ I was hesitant. I was not particularly in a good mood. But I obliged. It was something I never regretted.

There we were, a local and a foreigner, trying hard to communicate in my language. Quite a sight at the local marketplace. She was so earnest, and sweet. My weariness melted away.

She ordered food for me. And I asked ‘Aren’t you eating?’. And she replied ‘I don’t eat after 6, I want to just accompany you so that you won’t be alone.’ I melted even more.

Recollection 11 : A Soft Heart

‘Wouldn’t you want to give me chance?’ she asked. I hesitated. This wasn’t the first time. It had been happening for a while, she has asked a few times.

I said yes. I can still remember her lips. And her joy. I was strangely happy too. For she was one that understood most parts of me.

Yet, there were hidden parts. I was aware. I hesitated.

Recollection 10 : Scent

She eyed the bottle. ‘Oh I love that scent but it is too expensive. Let’s go look at some other things’.

On her birthday, I got it for her. She was surprised that I remembered.

How could I not? We were best buddies.

Recollection 9 : Doubts

I was troubled. Not by her past. I knew her too well. I trusted her.

I had nagging doubts. About myself. Although it seemed so picture perfect.

It became a burden.

Recollection 8 : Of Regrets

I have no regrets. But she did.

She said ‘I know I shouldn’t say this, but if it ends, I feel you won’t be affected much.”

Some truth in there. But really, it wasn’t as easy as she thought it would be, for me.

Recollection 7 : Land Line

We used to do it every night. Connect.

Perhaps it was because it was still at its infancy. Perhaps it was new, fresh. Perhaps I was trying to make it right.

Along the way, we took a break. The lustre lost for a while. We were apart, there was uncertainty. When we resumed, there was no more nightly phone calls. Till today, I rarely use the land line.

Perhaps when we took a break, the signals were clear. But we ignored it.

Recollection 6 : Bills

It doesn’t take a genius to know why. The itemised bill shows it all. The SMS listing is but a small portion of what it was. The pages of records of phone calls less than half of what is was. The daily ritual is no more.

People asked me why I don’t just give a missed call, to announce my presence or arrival. Practical perhaps. But I’m far from practical. I give all.

I call. And I speak. To let her know I’m just yards away. And I listen. As I gaze at her arrival at the door.

At least I have a bit more wealth now, material-wise.