Thursday, December 30, 2004

Awake and Not Calm

"Don't send clothes. Send more body bags" was apparently the text message sent by the Malaysian Red Crescent Society (MRCS) relief team in Acheh to their co-ordinator in KL. The death toll may rise above 100,000. As I read more and more, I'm not sure if I can hold it anymore. I'm not sure if I can sleep tonight. I'm not sure what I am doing here, slogging at work when humanity is crying for help. I feel helpless.

I can't stand people saying this is a reminder of the sins we have commited. I can't comprehend how people can think this is retribution of any kind or a message to humankind. I guess it's normal for them to need reasons for something to happen. Hogwash.

It's not the time to ponder too much, but it's time to act.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004


Place to donate to aid victims of the tsunami and earthquake

International Federation of Red Cross/Red Crescent

I think this is the fastest place for aid to reach victims as they are already on the ground working.

However, if you wish for your donations to reach only the Malaysian victims, try the funds started by media groups such as NST.

Update : A more complete list at
Bob Jots

Flu Bug

Last year at this time of the year, I had a bad time. I had possibly the worst flu in ages. It started a few days before Christmas and I took very long to recover. I was tired and lethargic. I guess I was being a lousy partner then, because we skipped all sorts of celebration that year. I went home after dinner on New Year's Eve. Even though I usually work on the 1st of January, I do usually wait for the arrival of the new year. Last year, I was the biggest spoilsport.

I was so sick, I couldn't think straight. Which was a good thing really. Because as I wasn't doing much and spent a lot of time with only my thoughts. My imagination went wild. I started dveloping all sorts of scenario in my head. And I dawned upon me that I was in a rut. I did a lot of questioning and searching then. All this while nursing a flu and battling the year end accounts. I think it was a catalyst for the many changes this year. I started examining the direction I was heading, and the risks involved in changing it. I'm happy to say now I'm a lot more receptive to change and I'm taking small steps towards the future.

So a flu bug isn't so bad after all? :P

Minutes To A Meeting

Minutes to the discussion from late night teh tarik session of the gang of three (no longer four as someone didn't turn up) :

Mini IPods and Motorola phones (those real nifty new ones) can be obtained in the US at lower prices. The tall one has been asked to confirm when he flies there this week. A quick check at before the session by Resurrected shows that MP3 players (those low end Apacer and Creative ones) are pricier there. Resurrected can't afford a new phone at the moment since he wants a MP3 player. Hence he did not bother checking for phone prices.

Sex with virgins can be nightmarish. Let's just say the true story related to the meeting involved screaming, thwarted attempts (not because of the lack of consent mind you) and no sex on the night of the first attempt. Traumatising. Thank goodness it took place succesfully the next day :P

Drivers who tailgate other cars should be smacked on the head. They should also look at their own cars before trying to tailgate Resurrected's car. Resurrected doesn't like speeding but these people just force him to accelerate. This concerns annoying people who honk when the traffic light just turned green as well. And when you actually move, they get left behind so far, you wonder why they even bother honking. This is a common situation here in Malaysia. Impatient.

There is so much materialism around us nowadays. It's all nice to earn money and spend but there is a need to be tactful when asking questions regarding personal finances. Not out loud in public obviously. It is also annoying when a person links whatever it is that's being discussed to money. And penny-pinching is an absolutely silly thing to do when one misses the big picture.

Career growth is a real problem in Malaysia Inc. A common complaint is the lack of opportunities and unfair practices. There is also a lack of focus on career planning in Malaysian firms generally. Some people get stuck because they are so good, they isn't any desire by management to move them along.

Spirituality and religion should not be considered mutually exclusive. There is some disagreement here when it is commonly perceived that spirituality comes naturally with religion. But to me, spirituality is more importantly an awareness of self and surroundings, not a set of beliefs. To the tall one, spirituality is more likely in a religious person, religion being a guiding force. Both agree that it is hard for
others to see the spiritual side of a non-religious person. I am grateful for the sort of exposure I've received in the past, which I think balances my secular, logical self.

How risky it is to uproot oneself from home when the opportunity arises? There are so many factors to consider. Ageing parent, commitments here, family, spouse, et cetera. I for one have shown more and more willingness to take the risk. But it's easier said than done. At the end of the day, one must be happy with the choice.

At 2 a.m., Resurrected may have trouble discerning between a 3 o'clock and 9 o'clock turn at the roundabout. And he may also talk to dogs he meets along the way while driving. At 4 a.m., he starts asking if everyone is happy.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

That Time Of The Year Again

Merry Christmas to you
Haven’t seen for for a while
How are you these days
You know sometimes I miss your smile

Merry Christmas to you
Do you remember same time last year

Merry Christmas To You by Shelley Leong in Storyteller

I’m starting on a Shelley Leong, Jewel and Alanis Morrisette (the lastest one) binge, trying to get music that’s in tune with my very reflective and mellow self at this time of the year. And so far I’ve been playing the Storyteller album to death in the CD player. It’s funny how sometimes the words of some songs are so much in line with my thoughts at the moment, expressing what I feel eloquently, with music :P I’ve been telling people I’ll stay in office on X’mas eve and wait for the 3 ghosts of X’mas. This year I have absolutely no ideas on what to do.

This time of the year, my memories will go far and far to the past, trying to remember what it was like every year. The thing is, I can’t remember every Christmas I’ve had. Maybe only a few but none vividly, just images and feelings. But I do remember being a happy child looking at all the pretty decorations in shopping malls and hotels. I remember how I always looked forward to TV programmes on X’mas Eve and X’mas. There was this Dunhill blockbuster thing that used to happen every year end and provided much entertainment for this lonely child. Lonely not because of lack of friends, but lonely because of that feeling of being different.

I remember the Santa Clauses and Santarinas distributing sweets to children. I remember being photographed with one. I remember wondering if Christmas can be truly magical and all good things would happen just because it was Christmas. I remember Christmas brunches and lunches and dinners in friends’ homes. I remember Christmas celebrations in school. I remember this huge party we had for children. I remember the friends. I remember the transient happiness. I remember the melancholy that sets in every year.

I savour this feeling because it shows that I’m still very much in touch, that I haven’t forgotten. Although I don’t celebrate Christmas (there are many events that I don’t celebrate :P), this time of the year still brings to me the message of hope, faith, renewal, kinship and love.

Do you remember your Christmases?

Monday, December 20, 2004


I'm perplexed on how I can't make it even to the Chevening shortlist/interview but I can be a Fulbright nominee. Isn't Fulbright supposed to be harder and more prestigious?

Saturday, December 18, 2004


Is there anyone out there who works for BCG Malaysia? I would be most delighted to hear from you as I have some queries regarding its working environment.

Friday, December 17, 2004

The Countdown Begins

It wasn't too long ago when 2005 looked like a distant future, that surely won't come yet. Now it's only 14 days away. I'm quite delighted with how I have come out stronger this year. I guess the saying that what won't kill you will make you stronger has some truth afterall.

It has been a very very mixed year. And it was a year occupied with plenty of soul-searching, a period of mild depression, exam suprises, a broken heart (yes I have a heart :P), boredom, learning that friends aren't what they seem to be and stagnation at work. It has also been a year of meeting wonderful new friends, progress in studies, recognition of my progress in all aspects, finding a semblance of a direction (still blur but it's a start) in life, new opportunities careerwise to build on.

I've come a long way, it seems almost surreal that I'm this old. And
surreal that 2004 is ending. It still feels like it hasn't been too long when I was a lot more carefree, taking joyrides all over the place and actually having this big supportive social circle. Now, even when surrounded by people, I sometimes feel lonely, disconnected. I guess nearly 4 years of work has taken its toll, causing some divergence in my thoughts with that of my friends (but come to think of it, it has always been quite different). I'm still with my practical idealism (major oxymoron? :P) and doing things the right way, and doing things for the right reason way of life.

So, yes, it has been a good year. A good year is the kind that will make you smile and feel a tinge of sadness. And eventful year, it has been, emotionally. I'm now looking forward to a great 2005.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Shopping List?

Books that caught my eye throughout the year but did not purchase :

Reformation : Europe’s House Divided by Diarmaid MacCulloch
The Great Shame by Thomas Keneally
Wee Free Men by Terry Prachett
World on Fire by Amy Chua
I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb
Digital Fotress by Dan Brown
The World From Islam by George Negus
International Relations : The Key Concept by Martin Griffiths & Terry Callghan
Karl Marx by Allen W Wood
The Corrections by Jonathan Frantzen
John F. Kennedy : An Unfinished Life by Robert Dalek
The Chinese In America by Iris Chang
Blackwood Farm by Anne Rice
Prince of Ayodhya by Ashok K Bankeq
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Hmm, wonder if I should get 'em next year. I gotta revise this list though because I doubt I can finish so many books. I jot down books that I want to read in the future while browsing in bookstores. The problem is I still have many unread ones from 2004 and 2003. A few still wrapped in plastic.

My project for the Christmas weekend : Create a system to track my books and keep the books in good order.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Against All Odds

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we’ve shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there’s just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that’s what I’ve got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there’s just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all I can do and that’s what I’ve got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos I’ll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It’s the chance I’ve gotta take

Take a look at me now

Phil Collins 1984, Soundtrack of Against All Odds

The most vivid memory of listening to this song was during an American Top 40 broadcast in the early 90s. A man wrote in for a long distance dedication and most poignantly described how he reached the depth of drug abuse, and did not realise how lucky he was to have a woman who loved and supported him so much. She left him without a trace. And that jolted him. He got himself cleaned up and stopped doing drugs. He was clean when he wrote in and has his own business and was desparately trying to reach the only woman that matters to him.

I think many of us can relate to this song, in some parts or in full.

To the Ultimate Female Machine, I apologise for what happenend. So many reasons why. You’re the only one who really knew me at all. But unlike the whole song, I'm not waiting. And I have no regrets, even for not letting you know why. Sometimes we have to walk away, to protect the ones we care about.

I wonder what happened to the man who wrote that long distance dedication? I hope he is living his happy ending now.

It Is A Matter of Timing

Sometimes timing is very damning
Missed chances, without you knowing
Sometimes it makes me feel like drowning
Broken hearts from too much hoping

Time and time again, my timing
Out of synch, a dance that has me struggling
A hope arises from a chance meeting
Yet as time flee away from my grasp, there's none left

Sometimes it happens without me knowing
Sometimes the lights are blinding
In life we pursue with so much running
What else can I hope for but a happy ending

Saturday, December 11, 2004

A Sad Situation for Malaysian Arts

This situation is disgusting, and downright senseless. How can you ban a film for reasons so urgh, utterless inconsequential? The Censorship Board says they represent the "rakyat"? Well, newsflash, we didn't bloody elect you to represent us. And we are not as stupid, unintelligent as you.

Awake on the Weekend

It's a beautiful Saturday morning. Here I am in the library waiting for the bank to open. I need to open an account in Maybank, as much as I dislike it. Else I won't get my salary in my account. The company is only going to remit salary via Maybank, BSN and Stanchart. This is apparently due to the increased cost of direct remittance imposed by some banks, which is borne by the company.

I better get my GMAT prep in full-swing this weekend after a whole week of working late into the night. Some semblance of normalcy I hope returns this weekend onwards. Normal is leaving office at around official closing time. Come to think of it, that's abnormal. I gotta stop having a love affair with my work. Strange thing is, my work currently isn't that exciting. Wonder what will happen to this self-confessed workaholic if he gets an exciting, interesting job.

Oh I did get to speak to the big boss, and explained to him my confusion as to my role. He said he'll take that into account in the new structure. I'm still not sure what exactly I want to do there, if I stay. With the impending new structure, I've been approached by potential superiors asking me if I would like to take on certain things if it materialises. So far I've been non-comittal as I'm not sure what's gonna happen in the next few months. In the new structure, I hope I won't get a prick for a boss. My transfer application is still hanging in the air, no decision has been made. Hope they do it real quick, it is no fun being in a limbo. And of course there's potential post-grad opportunities coming along, I hope. But I do know my top choice. I want to do post-grad more than anything else. I'm young and it's best that I do it real soon.

Which means, top priority is to firm up my applications which I haven't started working on. And do real well for GMAT on the 22nd December.

The 11 months hard closing is over, for now. But the auditors are in already. They seem ok but I haven't really been bugged by them. I don't mind really, it's a learning experience to see how other people think and view certain things. For someone with poor accounting skills like myself, it's an eye-opener.

Thursday, December 09, 2004


I'm in one of those paranoid, plenty of thoughts, mixed emotions state at the moment. And I can't pinpoint them. I'm still at work. Well, yeah work is causing undue stress. But I think it is the mix of issues at the moment that's causing my heart to be in some form of discomfort. Don't worry, it is purely a mental state. I'm not having a heart attack.

Now, I have a few choices. One is to sleep it off. If I can sleep. Well, I think I can sleep. The other is start (over)analysing the issues, put them into neat little boxes and deal with it systematically. Or just lock the damn boxes in the basement.

Now I can't even get the issues down. Focus boy, focus. Calm down.
Take a few deep breath. All you have to do is march down the office into the boss' room for a chat. That will solve one issue. Only one, but it is a start.

Let's start with this one issue. What is the issue? I want to know where I stand. I want clear lines drawn. Actually, I just want to get out. But I can't say that. He is a nice old man. No, I don't want to be saddled with a case of stress induced emergency case of an elderly man.

Ok. I gotta pack up. And leave this place, before I go bonkers.


I'm suprisingly alert and awake although I slept late. Work has been hectic. Well, not entirely hectic. Just stressful at times. In fact, my blood pressure must have been soaring dealing with some naggy broad from outside that doesn't seem to know how to shut-up and ask the same question again and again. And certain parts of the past is haunting me at work again today. Hate that feeling. Hate that 'I am not at my best' feeling, and that 'I get no direction' dilemma and 'I'm in deep shit' thought.

Well, the external auditors are here. That should keep me on my toes the next week or so. Not that I deal directly with them. I miss my old job. I had a lot of autonomy, yet I had clear directions. And I was well, appreciated. Wasn't just another slave to work for the boss, but an active contributor and participant in developmental work. Now I feel like a frisbee.

Times like this makes me want to run away. What's the point if I'm not given space to grow. They forget that when I grow, they reap the benefits too. I think I'll have a chat with the person that made this transfer. He thought it would make me happier. Apparently not, 6 months time is up and I have an open ticket to sit down with him and discuss my position. If only I can find ther right time and the right words.

Just A Tinge

At the crack of dawn
The mind is wandering
Through the maze
Of a crumbled city

How can I long for something not there?
How can I see far ahead, when nothing is there?

How do I feel the looming threat?
How do I let go when it was never in my grasp?

Let the baby bloom be crushed
Vapourise the beauty that threatens to grow

Dreams are illusions, beauty is so too
My vision probably flawed, looking through the tint

How can I decide so soon so fast?
How can I stop the downward spiral, the pain and hurt?

At the crack of dawn
A new bloom grows
Out of the ruins
Yet I can't let it grow

Resurrected, December 2004

Sunday, December 05, 2004


You Are a Hunter Soul

You are driven and ambitious - totally self motiviated to succeed
Actively working to acheive what you want, you are skillful in many areas.
You are a natural predator with strong instincts ... and more than a little demanding.
You are creative, energetic, and an extremely powerful force.

An outdoors person, you like animals and relate to them better than people.
You tend to have an explosive personality, but also a good sense of humor.
People sometimes see you as arrogant or a know it all.
You tend to be a bit of a loner, though you hate to be alone.

Souls you are most compatible with: Seeker Soul and Peacemaker Soul

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Of Hearts

Heart to heart
Word for word
Lip to lip
Touch for touch
Hand to hand
Hold on tight
It will be right
When the sun shines bright

Make me yours
Take me in
Hold my head
Close to you
Hear me breathe
The rhythm same
It will be right
Love is strong and right

Resurrected, June 2004

Life & Death

It makes me think
How short life is
It makes me want
To make things right
For the all wrong I've done
Forgive me for I'm only me

It makes me want
To care for the ones
Important in my life
Lord, will you let me
have the time?

Resurrected, March 2004

Another Saturday Comes to An End

I bought Sun Yan Zi's latest album. Yay! I didn't get U2's latest though, I didn't really like the version. No extras. Sun Yan Zi's has 2 bonus tracks. I'll wait for a better packeage from U2.

And there's Bee Gees Number Ones CD available at CD Rama with 15% Rebate with purchase of above RM 10. This information is for you, :P you know who you are. I think you need the Popular Card to get the discount.


Bibik Express is this restaurant that serves Nyonya food. It's inside the food court at Ikano Power Centre. I had nasi lemak. The ingredients were fresh. I went there to get spare change from my RM 50 notes :P but they gave me 6 RM5 notes! Urgh! Made my wallet thicker. Anyway, the menu looks extensive. Well, better than lining up at Uncle Lim's downstairs for nasi lemak.

Thursday, December 02, 2004


Within reach, yet far away
So close, I can hear the beat
Embrace I cannot

Within our grasp, yet we won't
So close, the rhythm of hearts
But we dare not

What is your fear?
Perhaps it's the same as mine
What is so dear?
That you won't look ahead?
What hurt you so bad?
That you can't heal?

Take a chance shall we?
Make a dance of our lives

Resurrected, December 2004