My indecisiveness may save me yet.
My rash actions may save me too.

Am not in the best of conditions. But mentally and physically ok to work.
Would have to limit myself to 60 hours week for the next few weeks (can do this if I take a few days off). For obvious reasons. Else I might just crumble, physically.

And I may be off target again if I do not take major drastic steps to rectify my situation.

This calls for Plan E!

Desperation!

In the mean time, exciting times ahead at work. It would make or break my progression for the next 6 months.

It's either I get fast-tracked again or I walk, I think. Thinking hard. I love my job. But love is blind.

At this moment, everything is converging while I am diverging. If that makes sense. Hard questions. Can I compromise? Or should I wait it out before committing? I think the latter makes more sense.

My self-awareness is not helping at all. It is confusing the hell out of me.

Marriage and children should not scare me the way it does. Well, scare may be too strong a word. Ambivalent may be it.

This sounds like a good idea:
1. A ride to Singapore. Meet family and friends
2. Fly to HK
3. Spend time alone
4. Fly back to Singapore.
5. Take a ride home
In the last week of the year.

I don't particularly fancy the year end. Although I have had good ends past couple of years. It's the most emotionally tiring period every year, except for the good years.

This year has been mixed. Lots of good stuff. But there were moments I am not proud of.

Run

Running away from something, she said accusingly, almost everytime he tells her the kind of hours he puts in. Perhaps there is some truth in it. But now she can't accuse him of running away, because the real issues are right smack where he spends his time, running away.

Chemical Romance

"The euphoria, it's the chemicals. It last for 3-5 months. Maybe 6 months. It would all be lost then."

Based on some scientific article published in a local newspaper a few months ago, it spells out the limitations of the initial rush of a relationship.

So really, it's the chemicals huh?

In other news, My Chemical Romance is coming to town...hmm, highly rated apparently. Let me go check out their tunes.

"Will you then walk away then?"

"I think it's you who will walk away."

Fictional quotes

For Hire

Finance mercenary for hire. Thrives on adrenaline rush. Available in summer 2008. If relocation is required, it would be after winter (after January 2009). Would work for enough to buy himself a roadster, bachelor pad, vacations and lots of musicals. If relocation is required, prefer cities with culture (and if possible, quality theatres/musicals).

Long Weekend

Sometimes my more superficial side can run rampant. An inherent weakness of mine, which needs to be managed, else I would buy everything I fancy.

The long weekend is passing quickly, halfway through. Barely slept but had fun. Been a while since I actually behaved like a kid. My serious, brooding nature need to be seriously minimized I think, for the sake of mental health, of mine and others. Apparently I am really driven, and it's in all aspects. But there have been times of doubt and lack of motivation too.

Am reconsidering the purchase of the bachelor pad. I might actually want to move in to one and live on my own, regardless of the economics. Or maybe I would rent out a room. But I don't really like that unless I know the person well enough.

I have to learn to accept the finality of it and move on, even if it was a really good thing and not something I thought would happen.

I may have found the answer I think, I think I have been dominant in all the past ones and really, I need equals. But the question of being equals is very subjective and a matter of perception.

Ah, perhaps my fairy-airy concepts too play a role.

Am in an ambiguous state and a little scary situation.

Perhaps things would be clearer with time.

I think I would not be applying for that visa. It may not really be the best thing to do. There is so much happening in this region and I think the action is really here in Asia Pacific.

I have too many projects and I need good help! Perhaps I have sugar-coated everything and deluded myself. Looking at the attrition rate and the problems people face, as they reveal it all, I think it calls for some serious re-thinking. I hope they take it seriously, revamping and managing it better. Especially when I am a free agent next summer. Which is really only 2 seasons from now.

Am switching off from work, since yesterday.

Curious

I was re-reading some of my stuff and came across this. Malaysian in the bay area? Just curious, are you still reading my blog?