Sunday, February 20, 2005

Recollection 5 : Lucky Charm

She wore red sneakers. And she did her own laundry. She was (still is, to some extent) angelic. Sent from heaven, the young me thought. We hesitated. And then I had to leave. Long distance phone calls to soothe my exam nerves. This is what happens when you don’t study enough. I needed my lucky charm.

She still is my lucky charm. Old familiarity. Our chance may have passed long ago, but great friends we remain.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Recollection 4 : Reluctant Heartbreaker

In the south, in a house on the plains newly flattened, not too long ago. In the darkness we spoke. Of hopes. Of dreams. Of pain. Of joy. Of whys and why nots.

We can be on IM, and on the phone chatting away. And within minutes of that, I would be at her doorstep, greeting her and we go out for more. The hours didn’t matter.

She was my best friend. And I was hers.

The silliness. The acceptance. The loyalty. The belief. And the love. Trust love to complicate things.

I broke her heart. How are you now? It has been years.

With an email ‘Hey, how have you been?’ we are back. But really, it will never be the same.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Recollection 3 : Being Transparent

At the makeshift bus-station, our eyes locked. It was not easy, for her. Having to shatter my hopes, if any, of anything more. I already knew the answer. But I had to get it out. I believe in honesty. And being transparent with a very good friend. I came clean.

I honestly felt relieved. The pain was there. But I was happy for her. That was what mattered most. Acceptance. I didn’t ask for more.

Recollection 2 : I Doesn't Mean I Didn't Not Love

Fleeting glances. Sometimes in the library, a cheerful greeting. I tried to be nonchalant. But as I feared, we were drawn to each other.

We exchanged letters. Yes, even then it was rather strange as the internet revolution was already well on its way. But nothing beats that anticipation when the postman whizzed by. With greetings and news and expressions. Notes being passed via her hostel-mates as well. Oh yes, my friends were secretly excited for me. Such were the carefree-ness of teenagers. The handwriting wasn’t quite easy to read. And sometimes she used pencil, which made it even harder.

In some ways, we were too alike. Both being Capricorns didn’t help much. But we thrived, the conversations, written or verbal. Witty. Intelligent. Heartfelt. It was all wholesome. And it helped that someone genuinely cared and tried to understand.

I knew we were not meant to be. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t love.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Recollection 1

It was at this time of the year. A blood red top. Enticing.

We had a quiet dinner, after hours of deciding and not deciding. She was worried we didn’t have enough money. And we didn’t like the set dinners offered all over town.

But I bought her a gift anyway. It was a smile worth getting.

That was to be the last time. Trouble was already brewing somewhere in the nether regions of our hearts.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Long Search

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For – U2

I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well yes I’m still running

You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for..

I am still searching within for answers. Searching outside for pointers.

Post-VDay Post

:P This is a re-post, since love is (not) in the air. Ok, ok, I admit I’m lazy.

Thomas (Violet in disguise) : Tell me how you love her Will?
William Shakespeare : Like a sickness and its cure together
Thomas (Violet in disguise) : Yes, like rain and sun, like cold and heat

from the movie Shakespeare In Love

The enigma of romantic love, a dash of lust. Lust not necessarily of physical desire. But rather a desire to be. To be loved and to love. Lust for life, together. Like the strings of a symphony making songs that tells a story. Our story.

Yes, that story. That story that emanates through the chaos and desoleteness of human existence. The story that gives hope, for you and me. For all of us. That there exist such devotion, such possibilities. Possibilties of two minds meeting, equals colliding....creating a storm of passion and reason. When the hearts can see. And meet. And when my heart skips a beat with any reminder of she. When the two souls exposed, naked in embrace. So pure, so clear. One.

We seek that oneness with someone. The person whom we share our whole being, through thick and thin. The person we place trust on to be a keeper of our affection, and loyalty. Two complete souls coming together, forming a circle. Making waves in their lives, pushing forward. Growing as a team. Being there for each other. Caring and supporting. Where lovemaking is not of greed or animalistic instincts but of mutual discovery, an affirmation of the mental, emotional and spritual connection. The tenderness. Without a care, only the two of us. A bond so strong, it stands the test of time.

Two hot cups of coffee in the mist of dawn. A walk in the park. A book shared in the comfort of our domain. Hands holding firmly. A touch of your lips. A bond of comfort. And fulfilment. The simplicity.

Idealist, am I? But I refuse to budge.

Monday, February 14, 2005

And The Holiday Ended.....

I do not understand my previous post. Now I’m trying to dissect what the hell I meant.

I am not anti-Valentine’s Day. But there will be no call for celebration from me. And there is no cause for me to embrace the day other than the fact that it is another ordinary insanity stress inducing Monday. I would think differently if I have a floral/gift shop.

Should I quit my job?

I am going home at 5.30 p.m. today. There will be no late nights for me at work from now on, till end of May. I cannot afford that kind of short-sighted folly.

I have classes 3-5 times a week. When I get through this, I would be grateful. And I will get through this triumphantly.

I have stopped dreaming about postgraduate studies for now. It will not be a dream any longer. It will happen, by hook or by crook. Unless of course something better, more fulfilling comes up.

I need to get laid or I’ll go bonkers. I shall now go to a corner and wallow in self-pity. I'm not getting lucky today! Ohgoodnessjesusgollymollythissucksihateitwhymemondaysbad

Happy Valentine's Day, whatever that means to you.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Silly Little Voice In My Head

There is a reason I cannot yet fathom, on why you stepped into this existence. I know not whether to be grateful or to worry for my sanity. I do not know if this is transient or forever-lasting. Life was simpler really, but admittedly less joyous .I know this joy can crumble into nothingness. I still cannot imagine what role you play. But I do wish it is a leading role. Yet my intuition tells me misery and pain will come my way. That is what happens when it is only wishful thinking. All I see are doors shut close, I wonder what's behind those gates. Can you tell me to stop wishing and perhaps take action? I guess not, because it is by far only wishful thinking. Sometimes I know things ahead of time, bad or good. And this time I can see very clearly that if the door is open, I will be proven right. But there is no opportunity, chances I cannot take. Sharp cuts, not deep but papercut-like is what I get when I'm with you for I know it won't happen. Tell me it would. Tell me otherwise. There is nothing really for me to hold on to. Because no branches have been offered. It has only been wishful thinking. Yet it is so clear to me. Very dim to you. Perhaps you are looking the wrong way. Perhaps because I never showed myself. I am but a shadow of my existence. A mere fragment of the whole self, left behind in the dark corners, trying to reestablish an order in the midst of personal chaos. Do you understand?

Saturday, February 12, 2005


You do not know, if only you hear the words
But somehow I can't say the words
Insanity is the course I dare not venture
But insanity is what is needed
Let me take your hand in a new adventure
Worries and fear all not heeded
Give me a clue, give me some hope
For I despair, waiting in vain
Crazy as it sounds you are my dope
I'm here waiting in the rain

Friday, February 04, 2005

To Someone From The Distant Past

Sometimes the past catches with you and it may not necessarily be a bad thing. Ah the good times, marred by stubborness and insolence, hurt and distrust. We have moved on, haven't we? Now we are trying to mend this broken tie. I guess it is about time we try. Welcome back to my life.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Am I A Keeper?

It is strange how after being engrossed on work for almost the whole day, just a sudden short break can trigger a wealth of colourful emotions. There is good and bad though. As usual I managed to shrug it off and continued with my work. The bad thing is, I tend to wander off again every now and then. It happens often enough to have me worried and I considered getting help. But then I realised, this is very much who I am. I am a person that believes in clarity, hence my almost constant need to get in touch with those feelings. Sometimes it's a whole lot of happiness, sometimes it is melancholic in nature, sometimes it brings up many interesting questions.

I've asked myself a few times, including tonight, if I'm a keeper. Yeah, sure I think I'm a keeper of friendship, this I'm certain. But am I a keeper of romantic relationships? Some close friends noted that I tend to give in too much, giving up easily. Perhaps there is some truth in it. I'm not known to fight to keep a relationship alive as it slides down to the abyss. And I'm not known to fight (not known but I have done my share of fighting, just not visible) to win someone's heart. There's a downside to this they say, I love wonderfully and with passion. Yet, I can't keep it burning. Perhaps I fear a loss in the fight. Sometimes I respond too quickly to any signs of hesitation from the other party. My response is normally to give her space. But space is no good apparently, some wise ones told me. It most probably is going to be misconstrued as not caring. And not wanting it to happen enough. Damn, I can do anything right, even if I think it is only right to back-off when a girl seems to hesitate or start having doubts. I do it out of respect and for her to do some introspection perhaps. Perhaps I don't want to destroy what is already there. But where is growth if one does not take risks?

I’m not the most communicative person around because I tend to keep things to myself. I see no point getting other people involved with my problems, even if the person is my partner. I mean, she has enough problems of her own, and there is only a pair of listening ears at any one time. So I usually forgo my use of it. And when I do actually have grouses, or issues, it really means it is dead serious. Yet, this is a weakness. Yeah, to be a strong and supportive partner is a weakness if you do not expect the same strength and support from the other party. Because you would be taken for granted. And that builds resentment in you. And creates another deadly blow to Resurrected’s relationship.

I’m probably too sensitive at reading people, especially a loved one. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I assume too much, without asking or clarifying. Maybe I’m just not ready. But then, I know I’m decent. I know I work hard at it. I think i must be meeting all the wrong people. Even if I think they are right for me, they probably are wrong for me, very, very wrong for me. Perhaps the next one will make me fight?

Ah I think too much. It is time to go home and sleep.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Minutes To Another Meeting

The word ‘shagable’ was used too often over the course of a conversational session that lasted nearly 4 hours. I feel sleepy now. But it was fun to catch up and have good food and in my case, hot chocolate :P

Pictures of recent travels were shown (I want that pony!) and ahem, interesting experiences were shared. Which was risky, knowing how we only need to tell ‘the guy with the 3-storey syndrome (long story but has something to do with ‘deafness’. He lives in a 2-storey home now though) ‘ for it to become part of the gang’s gospel truth (with added spice) and oral history to be repeated almost every time we meet. :P

A topic of conversation was how I do not usually name people I’m referring to. I mean I have nicknames for almost everyone : the library girl, ‘panjang’, the carpark girl (don’t ask), the employer (not an employer in the true sense), the tiny girl, ‘si kerdil’, the PKM (Parti Komunis Malaysia or Pergilah Kau Mampus or an unspeakable Malay/Hokkien curse word for the said individual depending on my level of disgust with him), the leggy one, et cetera. Do you want to know what nickname I have for you? :P They wonder why I use it. Well, it makes reference easier ie where I met the person, which I would have related earlier.

And on the ladder theory, well we couldn’t agree on my disagreement of the theory. Well, admittedly males are very visual beings, but that does not mean when I say a girl is intelligent, witty, well-read, insightful, or kind the girl must be not attractive physically. It really means (well, in that particular instance) she has substance and a charming personality and her looks isn’t really important in my description of she because the qualities I mentioned are so overwhelmingly strong. And it was asserted that being male, I will probably be very good friends with her but wanting nothing more, on the basis that I did not mention her good looks while describing her, thus implying that she isn’t attractive physically by my standards.

Also, it was noted that how happy a liaison can get and whether you should take the risk to start something depends on the objectives of the relationship in the first place. Someone says it’s really 3 aims, emotionally, physically and intellectually. However, I find that more often than not, the objectives can’t be kept separate and what starts as one item usually ends up with a whole load of other baggage, in the heat of it all the objective(s) gets blurred and changed. And even when one does find all 3 elements in an individual and it is mutual, it can still fail miserably. I’m not sure what that extra ingredient is, but I know it when I need to cross the bridge, or not.

And to the camel-chaser : ahem, that phone number/emai/blog address/whatever information please? :P Yes, I can be obsessive. I'm that bored.