Who Am I Today?

Perhaps some of them are right. Perhaps I am really a different person from 3-4 years ago. Or even just 2 years ago. I am looking at myself right now and I can't really recognise what these changes are as I may have just missed observing the evolution.

Have I changed that much? Do I still want to change the world? Am I getting boring and so much less reckless? Have I built too many constraints, reining myself into a set lifestyle and decisions?

Guiding principles, have they shifted?

I don't know. I don't feel as young anymore. I feel I have more responsibilities than ever before. The wings refuse to be clipped. But the mind is overpowering and wants some form of stability. For the sake of the heart, the mind says. The soul remains locked in a safe place, unaware.

Who am I? I am a son who has a bad temper and does not know how to show love to his parents. I am a friend who would stand by you regardless, but the problem is I never forcefully tell you if your decisions are detrimental to you. I let you fall, and I would help picking you up. I am a love who is ungrateful and callous. Yet I try very hard to make things work. Is that really that bad? I have a job I love but it is the people that counts, just like when I have no regrets going to the US rather than the UK. But is it really what I want to do for a long time to come?

Like it or not, somehow I reached another crossroad. A bit too soon for my own comfort. Then again, life never waits.

Heartbeat

The tired heart needs a break. The tired mind needs a whip. The tired soul seeks to rest. There are many things I am good at. But there is this one thing I am bad at.

Go with the flow is not a motto I subscribe to.

What ifs are not what I want to think about.

The heart is tired. Yet it works hard.

Your shoes are actually kinda big to fill.
Am just a young pretender, for now. Your lead is what I would follow now.

Waiting for the time I can finally rest these wings
When I finally find home
When the restless rests
As the night hums away
On a star-lit night

And when the sun shows itself
I won't have that urge
And peace is found
In a place I call my own
On the spring breeze

:D

Didn't do much this weekend. Second weekend in a row. Am raring to get back in action Monday morning, much on my mind but I have suppressed the thoughts so far. Will let it all out when I get into the office tomorrow morning.

This weekend was a weekend of small suprises. Finally caught up with an old pal now somewhere in hicksville. Poor thing. But it was good to be talking again. And I wish her all the best. And I do miss the friendship.

I need more energy. Am off to bed early tonight. Yup yup. I can't wait for the morning sunrise, as I drive into the city with happy jumpy enthusiasm to meet with the stressful repertoire of a highly challenging job.

Yup yup.

I Am Just Waiting For The Question

And yes would be my answer.

Everything

You're a falling star
You're the getaway car
You're the line in the sand when I go too far
You're the swimming pool on an August day
You're the perfect thing to say

And you play it coy
But it's kind of cute
When you smile at me, you know exactly what you do
Baby, don't pretend that you don't know it's true
'Cause you can see it when I look at you

.............. Everything by Michael Buble

Don't settle for anything when you can have everything?

A Cynic Who Hopes

So, it’s the weekend. I think I just need some sleep. That’s all. I am not a very demanding person.

Apparently, I seem too practical to give flowers. Actually, I like giving flowers. It’s a simple gift which says a lot. I do not however give flowers on Valentine’s Day. I don’t actually celebrate that.

There is a misconception out there. I do have a heart. And I am positive love makes the world a happier place.

(No, I am not smoking anything)

This One Is Nice Too

Wow I used to be prolific

Heart to heart
Word for word
Lip to lip
Touch for touch
Hand to hand
Hold on tight
It will be right
When the sun shines bright

Make me yours
Take me in
Hold my head
Close to you
Hear me breathe
The rhythm same
It will be right
Love is strong and right

Blast from the Past

I kinda like this piece: Poisoned Hearts

Broken glass
Wine spilt
Broken vows
Rings split

Careless love
Intoxicating
Callous heart
Poisonous

Bring me destiny
I show you the fate
Downfall will be mine
And yours too

Embraced too tightly
Gasping for breath
Happens with time
Without fail

Everything's transient
What's everlasting?

Juncture

Strange as the day draws closer, I get more apprehensive. No, not apprehensive for her, one of my best friends from days of yore. But rather I am apprehensive for myself. Because it seems to hit reality that I am really not quite grown up. My worldview is still about me, myself and I.

And it hit me, slowly over the week that I am really really not ready for anything that anchors me. And that my mind and heart flits in and out of certainty.

Self-awareness is a strong suit to have but it wrecks havoc with the whole risk management system. Early warning systems, good awareness of own sentiments (but not necessarily understanding why) and always ready to pre-empt coupled with good human behaviour observation skills is a good combo for a standstill. Risk averse. Added with the short span of attention. And the propensity to seek the impossible. And the crazy need for challenges.

Therein lies the contradiction. Risk aversion. Sense of adventure. Tug of war. Big time.

Anyhow, an early congratulations to you OL. Didn’t mean to use you as a piece here. But am truly apprehensive and am not as assured and as brave as you are. I hope to see you and the baby girl soon.

Do I keep flying? Do I keep running?

Disengage

Disengage.

Let it be.

It may not be.

Cut it loose.

Send it away.

No flows.

Dam it up.

It is not.

Do not think.

Cloud it not.

Art of war.

Self-preservation is key.

This is not your battle.

Disengage.