Conditioning and Destiny

Conditioning. I was told I might have conditioned from a very young age or even not-so-young-age to not feel excited, not too display a lot of joy when I achieve, to behave as if it’s nothing to be proud of. Excited about things, good things = happiness.

That’s the problem I guess. I get a good number, sure, it was great but it really didn’t show on this face of mine. I stand on Eiffel Tower and I was not amazed, having come a long way from humble beginning. I have done many many things I should be proud of, yet I focus on the things I did not achieve or have not achieved. Hunger? Or hunger misplaced?

I am in my prime, yet I feel like I am still so raw and young. Perhaps I set the bar too high for myself because people don’t see me as raw and young.

But this is also a strength. It makes me work harder, and I know how much I need this push as I lack motivation on many things (again, perhaps it’s only my perception. I am apparently very driven). And I stay calm in situations. Unfazed. So how does one reconcile the need to feel excited and yet staying calm?

I feel I have a tendency not to grab destiny and hold it and bend it and make it mine.

Resurrected is wildly melancholic tonight.
Will need to go to sleep....

Sometimes

Sometimes different worlds collide and they bring unexpected results.

Sometimes when you least expect blessings, it arrives, in a hailstorm.

Sometimes you can't correct things but you just go with the flow.

Sometimes some feelings aren't really what you hope for.

Sometimes you can't deny reality is far from ideal.

Chicken Shit

Chicken little chicken
Why do you let loose everywhere
Don't you know they stare
And call your bluff here and there

Someone Help Me!

I don't really know what I am doing
And I don't really know what I want
And I am doing it all wrong

Feels Like Tonight

Feels Like Tonight by Daughtry

You, you got me
Thinking it'll be alright.
You, you told me,
"Come and take a look inside."
You believed me,
In every single lie.
But I, I failed you this time.

And it feels like tonight.
I can't believe I'm broken inside.
Can't you see that there's nothing that I wanna do,
But try to make it up to you?
And it feels like tonight,
Tonight.

I was waiting
For the day you'd come around.
I was chasing,
And nothing was all I found.
From the moment you came into my life,
You showed me what's right.

And it feels like tonight.
I can't believe I'm broken inside.
Can't you see that there's nothing that I wanna do,
But try to make it up to you?
And it feels like tonight.

I never felt like this before.
Just when I leave, I'm back for more.
Nothing else here seems to matter.
In these ever-changing days,
You're the one thing that remains.
I could stay like this forever.

And it feels like tonight.
I can't believe I'm broken inside.
Can't you see that there's nothing that I wanna do,
But try to make it up to you?
And it feels like tonight.
Tonight.
Tonight.
'Cause there's nothing that I wanna do,
But try to make it up to you.
And it feels like tonight.
Tonight.

House of Cards

You look around you and you think you see happiness. What is it that I seek? Sometimes I wonder if this mighty road less travelled is anything but a myth, nothing but an excuse for escaping from facing reality, from taking responsibility.

Yet, there’s inherent uncertainty. And I need to learn to do the right things, to have courage, and independence of heart and mind. Many stakeholders there are and these cloud judgment and blur principles. Temptations abound, testing wills and principles.

Another 22 weeks in the year and the path seems long, arduously mountainous. And when the foundation is weaker than what we see, what we perceive, what eyes looking in looking at believe, it is the classic house of cards waiting to tumble and crash like a million raindrops into a caged enclosed pail of misery.

Therein lays the conundrum. The price that one has to pay to make things right, to clean up the act is overwhelmingly large and painful. Not only to the one who has to do it, but all the stakeholders will have to bear the consequences, of a callous act which they know not of or choose not to acknowledge.

So do you have the courage to do the right things? And are you willing to pay the price?

Random Travel Journal

Switching off the Zen halfway through When Harry Met Sally. As the 737 with colourful seats in economy descents upon the runway, one could see bright lights of traffic streaming across the dark flat expanse with dots of lights, probably of dwellings.

Was greeted yesterday night by a massive jam though. First impressions: road dominated by Toyota, long queues at Pertamina's dark dingy gas station but none at the Shelll, lots of road side stalls selling food, familiar brands like Giant, Fitness First, etc. The dinner was flavourful though I barely had appetite. But I did try the infamous apokat juice,avocado juice with chocolate sauce. Sinful and creamy. Thick green drink which is probably just avocado oil coursing through the thick plastic straw.

The hotel security is tight. With the MPV being scanned before entering the hotel while we had to go through a metal detector to enter the lobby.

Woke up early and could see that it was already bright and sunny. A vibrant city this is. As morning went by, traffic grew. Energy is abound here. People exercising across the street in a field, in the background of gleaming glass towers bouncing off the orange-like morning sun.

Am travelling on pothole ridden backroads to the office. And the day begins in earnest.

Doing The Right Things

It is reasonably difficult to do things right. Especially when there are too many stakeholders. We know the best thing to do is not to satisfy everyone, because that's really not possible.

What do you do then? Do you force yourself to do the right thing? Do you take the principled path no matter what the price is? What if the price is a hefty one, one which causes grief and pain?

I need to know how to do it right because I am now being sucked into a vortex which I may have voluntarily walked into.

Really?

"You see, I don't want a fling. I want the real deal."

"Forget about the real deal. You don't find it, it finds you."

"What does that mean? I don't know what that means."

"It means you get to a certain age and then you are ready. You know, you are ready for kids or a commitment or, you know...a mortgage. You know what I mean? And the person you are with then, they become the one."

"So you are saying it's not who, but it's when."

"So there's never been a guy, ever, that made you think, this is it. This is him, this is the one."

"No"