The Ladder Theory

This is what someone told me not too long ago, The Ladder Theory. Here's the summary :

Women have two ladders, Ladder One : Potentials & Ladder Two : Non-Potentials

Men have only one ladder, Ladder One : all women are potential

:P But I must beg to differ. I have no idea where this theory came from. Hmmm, I wonder if I’m consistently thrown into Ladder Two, that would explain a lot of things.

Apparently, in the same theory, most women look for power, wealth or potentially those things happening in the future. Hence, a chick magnet car can have its effect, that is till they discover it is not yours. There are some women who ( a smaller percentage) that go for looks and an even smaller percentage that value values/personality more than anything else. However, this theory also says most men are into looks. And compared to women, a very small percentage value values/personality.

This is really a depressing idea. What do you look for?

Here We Go Again

Oh how I swing from optimism to despair in a span of less than a movement of the hourglass. The storm had subisded, and it came back. And will be back again next Tuesday. Damn, I have no time to breathe.

I spent the whole (almost) weekend working on something that could have been finished a lot earlier. But some people have different ideas of what's important and my plan gets thrown out of the window. It has been a great week really up to that point. One of the better weeks in recent years. Ah yes I have high standards, apparently. Some say I'm just a unsatisfied brooding male. :P Which is not a bad thing really, not being satisfied is a strong motivational factor. Just can't let it overshadow the good things in life. Like a choco-top sundae from McDonald's. And in any case, the expectations I have are for myself, not for anyone else, even loved ones.

Thoughts for the night, which has been nagging me lately : How does someone who supposed know very well, having spent years with you, get such skewed ideas of you? How does certain realities escape seemingly intelligent individuals? Why can't they see that a situation has two sides (at least two :P) to the coin? Ah and they choose not to have confidence, they choose not to trust the best in people, people that are supposed friends. How do you explain things to these people when you find it not worthy of a response? And yet it bugs you like hell. Because there is an issue of credibility here. Why can't people just discuss things sensibly? Why do people have such short memories, especially when they go around accusing people of things which they do themselves?

I will still hold my tongue no matter how annoyed I am. I still want to believe the best of you.

So I am closet idealist, sue me! Good night!

And oh must remember to watch Vanity Fair. Hmm.

Blessings and Late Nights

When things get tough for me, and when I feel so lost, little blessing....no correction big blessings flood me suddenly. Showing me all's not lost. After my improved GMAT score, things got even better with me passing all 3 of my Intermediate CIMA papers. Yay! The gamble paid off! Now I can proceed to the Final Level. Yes, I'm back on track, I managed to catch up after my initial failures. I'm so thankful. And I just finished my essays and another whole application pack is ready to be sent out.

Ah, what good tidings will come my way? :) Stay positive Resurrected....your resurrection process is far from over. There is much to be done, much to be tasted, much much more wonderful adventures waiting for me out there.

I feel rather alive at the moment. I now remember why I was usually prolific and awake at such hours back in campus. I'm at my best after 10 p.m. and well past midnight.

But time to sleep. Work starts in approximately 5.5 hours. Urgh!

Back Alive

If you plan to take your GMAT, do get Kaplan's books. They even have online tutorials. And if you have time, get the book with CD, lots of questions to practice. The CD provided by GMAC is not that useful. Why do I say Kaplan is good? I spent a bit of time going through (2 days to be exact) the book I bought (without the CD. I don't have the time for it) and I came out with better results. I can say the book clarified some doubts I had and is better than my previous references in helping me spot my weaknesses. The questions too are a lot closer to the actual GMAT questions. Well, just sharing my experience. Just imagine if you have more time with the book plus the CD. And there's even an advanced book (which looks like a money making scheme :P). Anyway, I'm glad to report I reached the level required for my GMAT score today. At last.

Back to work tomorrow. It's going to be a crazy 2 days this time. Lots to do. And I have a graduate application which must be completed latest tomorrow night. I better get going. Good night!

Some Things Don't Change

I'm a bit upset at myself. Well, one thing is for sure I wasted the whole Friday, becaus I was too tired. I slept a lot. Aftermath of many many late nights at work.

What I thought would be a calm Thursday night for me to write my essays and rest early, was far from what I had imagined. Got calls from auditors pointing out errors in our printed notes. And I was all alone in the office. Some of the errors were human oversight, so I could correct them on my colleagues behalf. Some errors were technical, and I had to make frantic calls to Germany. It was darn tiring multi-tasking from 3 locations : my workstation, fax/photocopying room and another workstation (the only workstation that can make international calls).

I did eventually manage to correct the situation. But then the fax machine refused to cooperate! After 20 minutes of trying, I gave up. I drove to the auditors' office to drop off the freshly printed corrected reports. It was close to midnight when I got home, far from my initial plans of shopping at 1U and Ikano's Popular and essays and early shut eye.

And to think that I was doing things that weren't mind. Ah well, I just didn't want any delays to the audit. And I didn't want the auditors to suffer.

So I am not that upset really. I did what I would normally do. Same old me. Like a wise person told me, plans can change. I just gotta buck up this weekend and catch up with my essays and studying.

Late Night Thoughts

Sometimes all it takes is a bit of extra hardwork, yet I can muster it. And now I may be paying the price for it. Is it too late? I hope not. Gonna buck up and try harder.

The year end work can really kill. It has put a stop to many thing I'm supposed to do. And I'm really tired, all the late nights and working weekends.

I wonder if I'm extra sensitive sometimes. Sometimes my intuition tells me something is wrong. Or someone has done something. And in the end I'm proven right. Why can I translate this (sometimes) ability to read people into being able to read the path I must take? :P

At such an hour, I'm beginning to think if I'm paranoid about certain people. 'sigh' I should learn to trust more. Yet, I've been had before for being too trusting. I guess I'm not the only paranoid one around.

How can someone so distant affect me? Aiyo, going bonkers already. Deprived of sleep.

Time to go do something useful for the future. Good night!

Chances and Probabilities

"You will maximise the probability of finding the best spouse if you date about 37 of the available candidate in yor life and choose to stay with the next candidate who is better than all the previous ones"

In the book Chance by Amir Aczel.

Aiyo, how? Thirty bloody seven candidates? Where to find? I'm way behind. I should stop reading books on math and probability. Yes, it's a book about trying to compute life using mathematics. 37. God.

Note : Resurrected is not looking for a spouse. Just in case you get the wrong impression. But really, he doesn't mind 37 potential dates. It gives him the reason not to stay at work for such long hours.

Mandy

MANDY

I remember all my life
raining down as cold as ice.
Shadows of a man,
a face through a window cryin' in the night,
the night goes into

Morning just another day;
happy people pass my way.
Looking in their eyes,
I see a memory I never realized
how happy you made me.

Oh Mandy well,
you came and you gave without taking,
but I sent you away.
Oh, Mandy well,
you kissed me and stopped me from shaking,
and I need you today. Oh, Mandy!

I'm standing on the edge of time;
I walked away when love was mine.
Caught up in a world of uphill climbing,
the tears are on my mind
and nothin' is rhyming.

Oh Mandy well,
you came and you gave without taking,
but I sent you away.
Oh, Mandy well,
you kissed me and stopped me from shaking,
and I need you today. Oh, Mandy!

Yesterday's a dream, I face the morning
cryin' on the breeze, the pain is callin'

Oh Mandy well,
you came and you gave without taking,
but I sent you away.
Oh, Mandy well,
you kissed me and stopped me from shaking,
and I need you today

Oh Mandy,
you came and you gave without taking,
but I sent you away.
Oh, Mandy,
you kissed me and stopped me from shaking,
and I need you!

By Barry Manilow

The song is about regrets I guess. About how you don’t realise there’s a good thing going on in your life. Instead, you were blind and slowly the good thing died. And when you regained your sight, it was already too late. Story of our lives, right?

However, I think there’s a distinct difference between regretting and remembering. I remember. But most of the time I wouldn’t have done it any differently. And anyway, the principle of the matter couldn’t be different. I’m wondering now though, with so much uncertainty at the moment, whether I would be making choices I might regret in the future.

Ah, I’m out of focus again. This post isn’t supposed to be about regrets but it is supposed to about sweet memories. Barry Manilow was the singer my then school principal Brother Gerard used as an example of clear, controlled voice projection. Yes, Resurrected was part of an all-boys choir. It was tiring though, we had daily practice in the run-up to competitions and performances.

It was really fun. Can you imagine a bunch of adolescent boys singing an acapella of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. Cute, commented the girls ;) and sweet :P In one of the competitions, we sang our hearts out, singing the theme from a De La Salle musical, Rentak 103 (I think that’s the name. It goes like this : Paketi paketi pung, suara gendang bertalu talu….) and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. The other song we wanted to try but dropped was an Australian folksong, Sunrise….which has this a real earthy feel to it. We also tried here Have All The Flowers Gone, but we couldn’t do it well enough.

I think we gave the performance of our choir-lives. We lost though, because we didn’t see one of the rules…no movement during the songs….as in walking. We did that for our finale, the De La Salle theme. A lot of people thought we were robbed (that’s not a new thing really in Resurrected’s life but he thrives nevertheless :P)but we have no regrets. Really, it was fun learning how to sing the right way and having such wonderful coaches along the way (Brother Gerard, Raymond Miranda, Mr De Souza, Gerald Toh…I hope I didn’t get any of their names wrong, it was so long ago). Warm up was something nice to learning how to warm up, funny thing that. Makes the voices warm and smooth, and warm bodies too. Never knew singing can use up so much energy. There was so much effort needed and far different from what we’ve experienced before (the choir wasn’t so active before that, have been doing this since primary school). nyhow, we were just amateurs having lots of fun. An enthusiastic bunch. We did good, for a bunch of no-hopers :)

Memorable. I haven’t sung my hearts out for a long time. Just songs in my head now. Wonder if I’ve lost it.

Run To Me

If ever you got rain in your heart,
someone has hurt you, and torn you apart,
am I unwise to open up your eyes to love me?

And let it be like they said it would be -
me loving you girl, and you loving me.
Am I unwise to open up your eyes to love me?

Run to me whenever you're lonely. (to love me)
Run to me if you need a shoulder
Now and then, you need someone younger,
so darling, you run to me.

And when you're out in the cold,
no one beside you, and no one to hold,
am I unwise to open up your eyes to love me?

And when you've got nothing to lose,
nothing to pay for, nothing to choose,
am I unwise to open up your eyes to love me

Run to me whenever you're lonely. (to love me)
Run to me if you need a shoulder
Now and then you need someone younger,
so darling, you run to me.

Run To Me, by Bee Gees

Really, you can. You do know it, don’t you?

I can pick up the pieces, that no one else can. And no one else would. So when are you going to run to me? The door is still open, but I’m not sure for how long.


Note : This song has playing in my head all morning. I've been singing it, humming it. :P I’ve changed the lyrics by a tiny wee bit. Can you spot it?

Another Beautiful Morning

I think the stress is getting to me. I found myself snapping at everyone this morning. I found myself getting annoyed at the sound of the newspaperman’s motorcycle. I found myself spending time looking for things but I didn’t find them. I found myself cursing at the incompetence of rookie traffic cops. I found that there are a lot more lousy drivers this morning. I found Light & Easy annoying this morning. And it is not even Monday morning.

I know where the cancer is coming from. But it comes from many directions. Which do I kill first?

This Beautiful Monday

Sign posted at my worktstation :

I DO NOT WORK WELL WITH IDIOTS. IF YOU ARE AN IDIOT, PLEASE KINDLY STAY AWAY. SIMPLETONS ARE NOT WELCOMED AS WELL, THIS IS AN OFFICE, NOT A KINDERGARTEN

Posted on my colleague's workstation by me :

IT IS ***, NOT ****. DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO READ? AND PLEASE SHE ONLY HAS TWO HANDS, CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF

We are now snowed in with mountain of work, hand-washing seniors, stupid errors, indecisiveness and general apathy of many of our colleagues.

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

Dancing Fingers

Soft silky fingers dancing
The tip of the nails sinking
Into my skin softly clinging

The toes wriggle and wiggle
Entwined with mine we giggle
Fingers tickling we tumble

Joy comes in small doses
Make big blooms of roses
Tantalising our senses

Moving in a lovely trance
Spurring our little dance
Strange it was only by chance

Soft silky fingers dancing
Lithe and nimble enticing
This is what I am craving

Missing You

It is amazing the sort of irrational thoughts and feelings I can have. I mustn't let my imagination go on an overactive phase again. I wonder where I find the energy for all these when I'm so dead tired from a long day at work. I need to get a life. I need to sleep. I don't want to wait anymore. Yet, I feel like I should.

I fear for my own mental health as I hurtle dangerously into another big set-up. I need to hold back, get a grip and get out of impending trouble. Yet, something tells me I'm not that crazy actually. It's normal to feel hopeful and fearful at the same time. Oh Resurrected, don't get hurt again, you hear.

I found out that a colleague has a similarity with me. We both know where the nearest shrink from our office is. I told her there's another one nearby as well. Yes, I've been scouting around just in case.

Looking forward to tomorrow, although I have work on Saturday. Will not get drunk tomorrow night. In fact, I have never been really drunk. Close to drunk only once, way back in year 2000. I don't drink much, hate the idea of losing control. By now, you already know I'm a control freak. I can get pretty anal about time and control issues. That's why certain IT personnels hate me at work.

I do miss her though.


Note : If you think I'm writing about you, it's probably your imagination because I'm not writing about you.

Forming A New List

I've decided to revive the list (not the harem list lah :P). I abandoned my list of criteria sometime last year, after finding it quite useless as it failed in foresseing doom. However, experience has taught me not to compromise as well. So here goes. This is work-in-progress. Will continue eliminating and adding.

Good sense of humour. Able to laugh at self. Speaks fluent English. Reads (trashy romance novels, glossy magazines and comics don't count). Musicals, plays, films. Quietly confident. Kind. Honest. Has integrity. Female. Loves to write. Intelligent. Thoughtful. Has nice feet. Spirited. Sense of wonder. Continuous growth. Steadfast. Open. Has hair on the head, for now. Below 35. Above 16 (for obvious reasons :P). Mature. Enjoys the simple things in life. Soulmate?

Know anyone like this?

Ideals

Thomas (Violet in disguise) : Tell me how you love her Will?
William Shakespeare : Like a sickness and its cure together
Thomas (Violet in disguise) : Yes, like rain and sun, like cold and heat

from the movie Shakespeare In Love

The enigma of romantic love, a dash of lust. Lust not necessarily of physical desire. But rather a desire to be. To be loved and to love. Lust for life, together. Like the strings of a symphony making songs that tells a story. Our story.

Yes, that story. That story that emanates through the chaos and desoleteness of human existence. The story that gives hope, for you and me. For all of us. That there exist such devotion, such possibilities. Possibilties of two minds meeting, equals colliding....creating a storm of passion and reason. When the hearts can see. And meet. And when my heart skips a beat with any reminder of she. When the two souls exposed, naked in embrace. So pure, so clear. One.

We seek that oneness with someone. The person whom we share our whole being, through thick and thin. The person we place trust on to be a keeper of our affection, and loyalty. Two complete souls coming together, forming a circle. Making waves in their lives, pushing forward. Growing as a team. Being there for each other. Caring and supporting. Where lovemaking is not of greed or animalistic instincts but of mutual discovery, an affirmation of the mental, emotional and spritual connection. The tenderness. Without a care, only the two of us. A bond so strong, it stands the test of time.

Two hot cups of coffee in the mist of dawn. A walk in the park. A book shared in the comfort of our domain. Hands holding firmly. A touch of your lips. A bond of comfort. And fulfilment. The simplicity.

Idealist, am I? But I refuse to budge.

Note to Self

Stop chasing shadows Resurrected. You are tiring yourself. You can't keep up with your own thoughts, your own flow of feelings. Slow down. Don't try too hard. It can backfire. Don't be overimaginative. It really isn't the right time.

Fake Blooms

Turn away, don't turn around
The flowers may be blooming
The butterflies merrily flying
Walk away anyway

Don't look back, walk on
The flowers aren't the same
It's not sunshine really
You just need a careless hand
All will be lost

It seems like hope
But sure the flowers will be crushed
Smashed against the ground
It's not sunshine really
It's just the mind wanting

Don't hope, turn away
Walk away, don't turn around
Then you can't lose what you never had

Very Random Thoughts

Slow and steady wins the race. But then again, if it's a race, wouldn't speed count? Unless it isn't really a race.

Do opposites necessarily attract? Or is it cause for conflict? I seriously don't know, because it has happened both ways before.

I forgot to zip up twice today. I must be losing my mind.

I heard my colleague call out my name. But she didn't apparently. I most definitely am losing my mind.

I can't lose my mind, I still have plenty to do. I can lose my mind come Sunday, when I'm not working. Come to think of it, I don't wanna lose my mind.

It's time I take charge, really, of the direction I'm heading in one
particularly area. I have a tendency to be lackadaisical in this
particular aspect of my life. I fear the fallout. I fear unguided
missiles. I hate not being in control. So I should really take charge, be patient and be consistent. Take charge I shall. Wish me luck!

Obviously you have no idea what I'm writing about. Don't worry, sometimes I don't either. Do I like to write? Yes, I do. But I've been writing on email and word processors. Not with ink and paper and hand. Hmm, I did once this year, but I wasn't my prolific self :P, I typed it out and printed it and wrote it again (with some amendments). I do miss the time when I actually corresponded with people via snail mail. All this happened even when I was a Net-addict. Now all this has been replaced by email. I guess I wouldn't really have time to write a letter, but perhaps I can start with a short note. When was the last time you wrote a letter and mailed it with the stamp and all?

Oh wait, I miscued. I was writing about writing thoughts and ideas and stories, not personal letters. Yikes. I lost my train of thought somehow. I'm losing focus. Yes, I like to write those too. I'm weaker at writing fiction. Tried to fix that but somehow it got too factual after a while. It's not like I lack imagination. I think i have a pretty good sense of imagination, perversion aside. I should try again.

Am I a wannabe-poet? Not really but somehow I think poetry helps me
express the abstract, the emotions. I noticed my so-called poems are all melancholic in nature. I shall write one when I'm happy or thrilled to bits.

I think I need to exercise more. I think it's related to my lack of focus.

Alright, back to work.

Compatibility

This question was posed sometime ago by someone :

What would you do if you discover that your boyfriend is a boring lover, insisting on the missionary position only and won't consider going down on you?

What would you do if you girlfriend is frigid, treats your private part like an alien lifeform and with disdain, insisting on having sex only in the dark comfort of the bedroom?

What do you do when you find your partner sexually unadventurous? Or
sexually incompatible?

I say if you value the relationship go for couple therapy. Some say dump him/her. Is it that important? I think it works both ways, you have to be mutually responsible for it.

Everything Happens For A Reason

Everything happens for a reason.

Stupid cliche. But I'm very prone to using it. So are many people.

What on earth does it mean exactly?

If a person just broke up, maybe her 5th break-up and then she meets a
wonderful man. And this time it works out (marriage, bawling babies,
clumsy MPV). So the reason the 5 break-ups happened was for this to happen?

If a person loses her job and has to make do with some home-made products to survive. And the business thrived, she eventually owns 3 factories, making a big bundle of money. The reason for her success is because she lost her job? Everything happens for a reason.

Say someone started blogging and wrote an awful piece on migrant workers. And he joins the diplomatic corps. Someone from a certain country reads his blog entry and lodge a protest. And it causes an international incident. And he loses his diplomatic passport. Hmmm.

If a person has a flat tyre and she gets down of her car to change the flat tyre, and a truck hit her. So the reason for the flat tyre to happen is so that she would die that way.

You miss a flight, and the flight you missed crashed. You miss a flight, and the next flight you caught crashed.

You didn't get the job you wanted, and you became more successful than you had ever imagined. You didn't get the job you wanted, and as expected, you end up with a bad career path.

Everything happens for a reason?

I know we should try to see silver linings in the dark clouds. I know the cliche is meant to give a semblance of hope. But false hope perhaps? I would like to believe there's hope though.

Hauntings

Stop haunting me
This hunting has to stop
Stop giving hope
No more setting up a drop

Hate the pain
No way I'm going there again
There won't be gain
It doesn't matter, miss the train

It's mere illusion
It should not happen again
Don't trust my vision
For I know it will haunt again