Hearts

"The less you open your heart for others, the more your heart suffers" - Deepak Chopra

"My heart is a traitor," the boy said to the alchemist, when they paused to rest the horses."It doesn't want me to go on."

"That makes sense," the alchemist answered. "Naturally it's afraid that, in pursuing your dream, you might lose everything you've won."

"Well then, why should I listen to my heart?"

"Because you will never be able to keep it quiet. Even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you, repeating to you what you're thinking about life and about the world."

"You mean I should listen , even if it's treasonous?"

"Treason is a blow that comes unexpectedly. If you know your heart well, it will never be able to do that to you. Because you'll know its dreams and wishes, and will know how to deal with them."

"You will never be able to escape from your heart. So it's better to listen to what it has to say. That way, you'll never fear an unanticipated blow."


- The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

Maybe that's the nagiing doubt I have, a voice from the heart? Or is it just plain irrational cautious me? Maybe I'm not so much in tune with myself as I should be.

I've listened more often then not, and in some of the most trying times I gathered my strength from within. Can one not direct the heart?

Do you listen to your heart?

Grateful

It was a good suprise when you walked into my life. I think you don't know this, but you were pivotal in sending in some sunshine into my life. I was in the midst of climbing back up, getting on my two feet after a big fall. You made the walking easier.

Did you know you were my hero? At some point you were. The kind gentle words, yet firm. The positive optimism that is ever so infectious. And till today I'm grateful as to how fate brought us together. I don't know what I did but I know deep down you are a blessing.

That period of time we spent with sharing and encouraging each other just made it a lot easier. You assured me in my most challenging period in that process of walking again. For a while, I thought I could fly *grins*.

I think we still don't know each other well. I think some doors are shut, on both sides. We can't help but being cautious. We are both very private individuals. But sometimes I wish we could just throw caution into the wind. I guess that wish is probably childlike and not mutual.

It seems now like a distant past. Was it me who felt it or did we really drift apart for a while? But I trust that you have your reasons, and I trust your reasons. And I hope there are things that I can do for you. Not knowing what I can do for you pains me. I guess you are strong and focused and probably do not need me for anything. However, my concern is genuine and my friendship has no ulterior motives.

I am at another crossroad. And I wish you are here. But that's selfish of me.

All I want to say is thank you, if it isn't too late. Thank you.

Mega Crushes

I was an early starter I think. :) But one of my early crushes is now one of my closest friend. Yes, she dares to tell me off *grins* when I need to be told off. We go a long way back, and we got to know each other through this network of friends. The thing is we don't know where our link-person is now.

I don't do much about my crushes. But maybe it is because it happened too often when I was young :P. Yeah, sure it would be nice to know them. Some actually don't bite, some are indeed interesting. But more often than not, it would be sorely disappointing when I actually get to know the person.

Those that pass the litmus test and the initial awkwardness, well, the attraction wears off after a while. Crushes fizzle out when the excitement of not knowing is no longer in existence. Some become your friends, some forgotten, some hated.

The risk of being discovered when you don't want it to be known can be dangerous. You think you can't bear the consequences. Irrational really, but I guess no one wants to stomach a major embarrassment. Ah yes, the joy of silly human emotions. Such fascinating creatures, aren't we? The heady rush when he/she looks your way (lol). The excitement when his/her name flashes on the caller ID. The daydreaming of a non-existent future. Oh joyful.

When is a crush a crush? When does it cross the line into friendship, or *gasp* romance and love? When was your last mega-crush and how did you deal with it? Tubs of ice-cream? :P

More importantly, what would you do if someone confesses that he/she has a crush on you?

Hungry At Noon

Yikes, got a call from my contact person for a French university. I forgot to tell him I may not be going to France afterall as I have another more economical offer. Urgh, but the temptation of spending one whole year in Lyon is so big. The thing is, it can only happen in 2006 while the other offer is firm and in 2005.

:) On another note, blurness can be cute and endearing. *grins*

I'm struggling a bit this week with my work. Gotta catch up really quickly.

Chelski 0 Liverpool 0 My prediction gone awry :P But it shall be Liverpool 5 Chelski 0 next week. Yes I know I'm delusional, but I can fantasise all I want.

Lunchtime!

Cynical Me

She says : He is smart (fullstop).
It means : He is such a geek/nerd

She says : He has a quirky sense of humour
It means : He tells a lot of dirty jokes. I can't bring him anywhere.

She says : He is funny (fullstop).
It means : He is such a clown, falling all over the place.

She says : He is mature (fullstop).
It means : He is boring, and I don't think he will be a good shag. Say, is his head balding?

She says : He is reliable (fullstop).
It means : He is boring, but he is good for driving me around and doing things for me. He was the shoulder I cried on when the guy I had the wildest sex with dumped me. Then I moved on looking for more wild sex.

She says : He has got great personality
It means : He is ugly/fat/poor. Far from hunky. Far. I don't want him to touch me.

She says : He has an interesting personality
It means : What a weirdo. Pray tell why did you unleash him upon my life. Urgh.

She says : He is a persistent man.
It means : Oh God, a stalker.

She says : He is a confident man.
It means : Urgh that domineering, egoistic jerk.

She says : He is a driven man.
It means : Drive far away from me pal

She says : He is too good to be true.
It means : Look, you may think you are great but I think you are butt ugly. And I that was a lousy kiss you slobbering geek.

She says : He knows what he wants.
It means : I know you wanna get laid, but not a chance buddy. Dream on!

She says : I just want to be friends with him.
It means : He is ugly. And poor.

Look, having been around for a while, some people are just suckers for pain, and plain shallow. It is not only men that are superficial. Sometimes it pays to open your eyes.

So for those who can't see pass the surface, your loss.

Postscript : Who doesn't want money, power and looks huh? But when someone asked me if I say the person has great personality and intelligent, do I mean she isn't quite shagable/attractive, my answer is that is not the point. When I say she has great personality, is interesting and intelligent, I mean it :) There is only so much you can get from physical attractiveness. You may say I'm being an idealist. I am, so sue me :P Yeah sure aesthetics are good for the eyes but experience have thought me that's plainly not good enough.

Of Madness and Power

London : Being mad does not always get sent to an institution. Sometimes it gets you to the very top of your profession.

Experts believe that millions of us are, at least to some extent, displaying the signs of madness.

In the vast majority of cases, it does us no real harm. In fact, some kinds of 'personality disorder' could even be an advantage, especially at work.

Psychologists believe there is a huge scale of so-called personality disorders. And in reality, they say very few people would satisfy all the criteria for being 'normal'.

.......... consistent with the idea of 'successful psychopaths' able to function unrecognised in society and even to obtain positions of power.

...........Findings from an earlier Canadian study also suggested that many psychopaths could be 'snakes in suit' who thrive in high-powered professions. - DM

Ahem, so to all the 'mad' people out there, there is hope. Somehow, it's comforting to know that it is ok to be a bit insane, yet at the same time disturbing to know that many other crazies are out there. :P

Postscript : I think this is consistent with the notion that success comes after risk taking and there are certain things that people do that may not seem rational to achieve that. A certain degree of madness perhaps help us deal with uncertainty. Or take a big leap (not off the ledge). But then again, other forms of mental disorder may cause a person to be risk adverse and uncertainty may drive him/her insane in such instances.

Getting Over Something

Was on the phone with a good friend just now. It was nice catching up, haven't spoken to her in weeks. Yup, we used to work at the same place.

Anyhow, half way through the conversation, something I said must have triggered memories of the past. It was almost a year ago. She started crying a bit over the phone. And I got really worried. I was suprised. I didn't know she is still hung up over that doomed love affair.

It's hard to let go of the past for some people. But I feel she should get a grip. She is worth a lot more than that. That man betrayed her, deceived her. It looked more like lust than love on his side.

It makes me wonder how can seemingly mature and intelligent women get themselves into this kind of fix. Well, men too are not exempt from such situations.

I hope she gets better very very soon. Getting over someone is hard, even when you know the right thing to do is just that. I should know.

What's Playing in My Head Now

Angel by Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Finding that second chance in life, finding that opportunity to break free from form is what everyone's quest is. Human nature to always want more and more. But the more we take on, the more we tire. It is an insane world sometimes. We push ourselves so much that we lose sight of what's important.

And then the wheel comes to a grind. The carnival comes to a halt. You find yourself lost in the reverie. You have lived a lie. A big fat lie.

Will there be an angel to comfort you? Will you walk and fly into life again? Can you move on?

Can you find yourself, in this madness?

Glancing Through

Glancing through the papers this morning :

Milan : AC Milan 2 PSV 0 :)

Yay. I hope it would be Chelsea 0 Liverpool 5 tomorrow morning :P

Sydney : An Australian judge fell asleep and snored while an alleged rape victim was giving evidence will not face disciplinary action - AP

Yup, no formal action but I think his wife should slap him. I know there is transcripts and all and he car read the evidence. But that's besides the point, it is downright insensitive and rude.

Lebanon : After 29 years, the last soldiers and intelligence agents of Syria finally withdrew from Lebanon.

Yay!

London : A father who waved a toy gun at two teenagers after waged a campaign of abuse and vandalism has been jailed for 6 months for possessing an imitation firearm with intent to cause fear of violence. The teenage vandals apparently burst into tears when the man brandished his 6 year old son's toy pistol. - DM

Talk about justice. There is something wrong here. Look boys, if you wanna be bad, be bad and don't be cry babies. It is this sort of blind justice that puts off people from the legal process. Which is sad really.

Tokyo : 32% of married couples (28% of men and 34% of women) had not had sexual intercourse for more than a month. The survey defined this as sexless. 44% of these sexless couples and 31% of sexually active people found sexual relationships 'tiresome' -AFP

Aiyo. So how? It can't be tiresome. There must be something drastically wrong with the relationships. Communicate baby, that's the key :)

And I don't understand the statistics on married couples given. If you have 32% of married couples, how did you end up with 28% men and 34% women. Oh ok, unless the survey was done on only one person the the partnership. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense now.

In other news, Resurrected will be studying till 5 :)

A Long Short Day

I'm still suprisingly keeping my head up even though I'm way off my study plans. I shall catch up, very quickly. I must, I must, I must.

There is a certain something about today
That make things easy in a way
There is something in the air
That makes me want to share

The bleakness of yesterday far removed
Dark clouds in the sky replaced
There is sunshine now instead
And embrace the newness I shall

Tread with care, of course I will
Can something usually transient turn into stone
Solid and strong, at long last
That's not for me to answer, time will tell

I no longer rhyme, and I don't care
Sunshine in my face and I shall stay so

Of Intellectuals

Geez, I brought the wrong book to study. I took Business Strategy, instead of Financial Strategy. But my notes are all Financial Strategy. Urgh. I should learn to pack up the night before, rather than rush in the morning. This is the result of being messy :P

Anyhow, I met up with Leanne last Friday, to catch up since she happens to be in KL, something that rarely happens. While we were chatting away in a coffee place overlooking a park, the topic of being 'intellectual' came up (or was it a phone conversation when this topic came up?). She says that some people are just intellectual, the read intellectual stuff, they talk intellectual stuff. And there is also this preference of mine for intellectual women. She said in the pursuit of self improvement, she reads up on these so-called intellectual stuff. But she feels that some people have it easier, it seems natural to them. At a magazine store, she picked up a women's magazine and told me she would have to disappoint me by not picking up a more serious magazine to read on her trip home. Of course I said that is all nonsense and everyone can read whatever they want.

What is being intellectual? By definition, being intellectual is showing a high degree of intellect, the ability to reason and partaking in activities that require exercise of the intellect. So is debating an intellectual pursuit? Is writing an intellectual pursuit? Is poetry an intellectual pursuit? I say yes to all, because there isn't really a hard and fast rule to what is it being intellectual.

Many people make the mistake of pigeonholing so-called intellectuals as individuals that discuss and know a lot about current affairs,economics,politics,history, goes around quoting philosophers and what nots. I think that's all hogwash. There is much more to intellectualism that just merely reading up and spewing out facts and opinions. Like what my buddy Aida told me yesterday, everyone can do coffee shop talk, but doing it is much harder.

Which brings me to one of my pet peeves. I feel some people just try to hard to be seen as an intellectual. No, I'm not against people who are into self-improvement. I encourage that in fact, I used to tell my team that there is no harm in understanding more of our complicated world because it helps us see things clearer and perhaps, one day we can make things better. What I'm talking about is how some people just can't hatch it. No matter how hard they try, they come across as fake. There is no genuine interest or drive in knowing and understanding the issues at hand. You may think I'm making a sweeping statement, but I've seen enough of such characters who look and sound good but hollow inside. They write and speak of issues like they know it all, but when you analyse, it is all written with pretense of knowledge only. Or the write things so complicated, no one in hell knows what on earth are they writing about (Note : you can write complicated stuff but if your base is not strong, it shows). Or try so hard arguing for something or expressing an opinion when it is a non-issue or too myopic in perspective.

I've been labelled as an intellectual being by many but let me tell you this. It is not a bad label but I'm just someone normal (ok, some may beg to differ but please hold your tongue :P) that happens to know some stuff, and someone that can reason and argue, and someone that would concede if wrong. It comes naturally enough because I happen to care. When I look at issues around the world, I worry, I ponder and I wonder how things can be better. Some may say I'm nuts to think of morbid thoughts of euthanasia on Monday mornings but I think of things like that because I care. It may be for fun sometimes, I just like to ask questions to myself (or if you are unlucky, I will throw you my questions and thoughts via email/IMs). It is always fun to stimulate my mind. We tried stimulating that with the younger ones, but many sees it as a chore. Or something difficult. Or something that can be used to impress. Like what my then bald headed co-dictator used to say, they just don't live the life.

So to the question on why my preference or non-preference of certain individuals when it comes to their level of 'intellectualism', let's just say I don't do pretenders. I may be wrong, I may be biased but that is how it stays, unless they show me otherwise. I prefer genuine individuals. So read all the glossy magazines you want. It may not be impressive, but at least you enjoy it. Read good books to nourish your soul and mind. The topic is immaterial. Do what interest you and give it your best shot.

Being superficially intellectual is easy. But what separates those who know and care are the desire to learn, improve and feel (if possible). No one knows everything. No one is right or wrong. But if you want to come across with your credibility intact, I suggest you just be yourself.

"People don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's so much easier to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is a cold comfort on a winter night, or when you are sad, or broke, or lonely, or when you've gotten your test results and they are not so good" - Anna Quindlen

I still have much to do.

Quote of Yesterday

"You know you are in deep shit when you think of the person every morning when you wake up, and you actually smile"

Jogging The Mind

I'm blogging to jog my mind. To get my brain out of its lull. Just went to the clinic. First time there, so the doc doesn't know me. I usually know if I'm falling sick. And I've been getting these signals since Wednesday afternoon. These are the signals of an impending flu. Which needs to be tackled fast. Must unclog nose, because blocked nose blocks moisture from throat, which leads to sore throat/infection, which brings fever and cough. And running nose, which I just abhor.

And that's why I told the doc. An impending flu. He checked, and concurred. :P Makes their job easier if they would just listen. Got my pack of non-sleep-inducing medication and praying hard I won't get a full blown flu. Anyway, I think I have to cancel all my outings from now till next week. Just in case.

Received a rather strange message this morning. Asking me to call the old photography shop near my campus. Must be because they have pictures of me left there I think. Why else would they want to contact me? It has been four years since I last went there. Guess I'll call them later in the evening. Mystery of the day.

The last time I was there, I remembered Catherine accompanying me there. That was perhaps the last time we spent time together, after our graduation, waiting for a photography session. I still remember the very young Catherine, during outr first year. We met during one of those boring bureaucratic processing wait in the main hall of the university. I didn't know her then, but I knew she was from the same school I spent 2 weeks in before enrolling to uni. Time flies, she is now settled in her new home down south, near where we used to study. As for me, I'm still fleeting in and out, stumbling my way through.

Two wedding announcements past couple of weeks. The first one from an ex-housemate now residing in Penang. It will be in December he said. I told him I'm not sure if I would be around. He was a gem of a housemate. Always the one quietly keeping things together. It didn't help his cause that I was an obnoxious brat sometimes. I used to sleep all over the place, including in his room. Yes, I was quite a pain. I hogged the CD player, playing Sun Yan Zi to death (I didn't have one and my laptop CD drive was getting cranky). I mocked him about his friend who became our housemate who we all hated to the core. I used to wake him up at 2 a.m. because I wanted company for very late dinner. Sometimes I forget to eat you see. He used to try to knock some sense in me when I was utterly out of depth, with schoolwork and women :P. Ah yes, he always felt that my harem list is downright sleazy. He used to translate Chinese lyrics for me and explain them to me. He always found it amusing that I almost never wash my own clothes. I preferred the laundromat. He entertained my whims when I suddenly wanted to drive 25 kilometres to get nasi lemak and cheap beer. Well, actually, most housemates of mine entertained my antics, come to think of it. Deep down that macho exterior, he is a warm and caring friend. He is only 27 this year. His soon to be wife is a cute bundle of energy. Dimunitive and loavable. Hmm, have to get him something. Maybe I'll drop by Penang one of these days.

The second one is from Jess. Someone I knew towards the end of my uni days. A classmate actually. But being the snob that I was, I didn't care to get to know her. Till one day, when I needed a group to do some projects with. Well, my good friend and her ex-roommate helped me out by arranging us in the same group although I wasn't in class for a whole week when the semester started (yes I can be quite irresponsible). Jess was always the popular one, tall, attractive, friendly. And that's how it started. 3 semesters worth of friendship. From someone I ignored, to someone I respect and am comfortable with. I was never too keen on the popular crowd. But she sure proved herself to be a great friend. And I'm glad she feels the same way too. She was one of the top students, who proved to be an effecient team member as well. Together with another top student (our classmate who gets orgasm out of financial models), her housemate and myself, we had a ball with our projects. I did the selling part, ie. fielding questions and convincing our lecturers and classmates. Jess once confessed that before we were introduced, she was rather intimidated by me. I was always this unsmiling character, that always seemed to be in a rush, not having time to entertain the coursemates. And that image of being ice cold and assertive. And she never knew I spoke Mandarin. The wedding dinner will be a small one, in June. Only close friends and relatives. Again, I couldn't say yes. But I promised I'll meet her before she flies off to Sweden in August.

Anyway, Jess and Werner :) Wish you joy and happiness, and everlasting love (I'm trying hard not to be cynical my dears :P You know me well enough). All the best to you and your respective partner. Cheers!

Next blog post will be about weddings and why Resurrected is such a control freak.

Train Station

He tapped her on her shoulders. She recognised him. He was in the same coach.

And he said, quite nervously "I don't mean to be rude. I have no bad intentions. I just want you to know I think you have amazingly beautiful eyes."

She was startled. But she managed to say "Thanks." Nervously. What does he want?

"Don't worry. I don't want anything from you. That's all I wanted to say." And he walked away.

Into the crowd, down the stairs from the station. Into the evening sun.

Drowsy Afternoon

The question of whether homosexuality is wrong is best answered by you. I'm not going to get into a debate about sexual preferences. It is you and your faith. Not mine. Not mine to worry about.

This whole idea of homosexual marriage probably isn't particularly of importance here in Malaysia. But I want to say my piece anyway. Relevant or not.

Other than the fact that there is practically no legal protection for homosexuals (plus sodomy is illegal in many many countrie) in terms of being in a marriage/partnership (no divorce laws, no tax breaks, no alimony, no inheritance laws, no children adoption, et cetera), there is also an issue of why legislate love?

Yup. You heard that right. I think no one can legislate who we love. Or who we should not love, that way. As long as they are not doing anything that harms society at large (well, to some, sodomy is harmful, and painful :P). Of course this is subject to the acceptance of the general populace. That's politics, I'm only speaking as an observer. And who are we to decide they should live like the rest of mundane us?

Now, extrapolate that idea. Can we then say we shouldn't legislate love even if it involves polygamy (religious rights aside)? As in, why can't a person marry more than one person if she/he loves them and it is acceptable to all parties involved? Must the one man one woman concept remain?

Or why can't a brother marry his sister or a close cousin (I'm not sure about this part. Can you marry a close cousin? ie. say your mom's niece)? Incest? Yes. It is incest. But aren't they adults capable of freewill and rational thinking, whereby there is no undue power being exercised? You see, there was this case a long separated siblings. They met, and fell in love. And got married. And had a child with much difficulties. Later on, they realised that they are actually siblings, hence the biological difficulties in conceiving healthily. If I recollect, the state asked them to separate (forgive me, it was a long time ago, and my memory is better used for studying :P). Not sure what happened after that. The point is, they didn't know and they love each other deeply. In a romantic-sexual way. That is sad.

Must we intervene in such circumstance? Adults, not abused/manipulated youngsters in this context. Now, do we legislate romantic love?

Hot Night

Just finished watching Closer. Disturbed.

It is a hot night. And Natalie Portman on screen didn't help the situation :P get better.

Anyhow. Some thoughts.

What is so important about truth? What if you can't handle the truth? Why demand the truth? A friend once told me, she rather not have her partner tell her of his infidelities, if any. I have always wanted the truth. And the truth is I cannot accept betrayal. There can be no forgiveness from me. And that applies to myself too. But can I handle the truth? Can you?

Second thing. There is such a thin line between fidelity and infidelity. It is so easy to cross the line. Just a fleeting thought, that one moment, can change the scheme of things. How transient love actually is. How do you know when it happens? How can you love so much, and destroy it? How close have you come to betrayal?

How do you separate lust from love? They aren't quite separable, don't you think? Can you truly say when you do things out of plain lust, that you do not hope for more? Not more lust, but hope of love.

Soulmate?

He can't get enough of her laughter. And that feminine husky voice. Sultry. God, I'll do anything for her.

A soulmate? Do such things exist? An exquisite beauty. A voice of reason. An equal. She wasn't intimidated at all. He was enthralled. And drawn towards her.

He spent hours with her. Just discourse. Sharing. He was wary of anything more.

Kindred Spirit

He isn't quite tall. A bit slight. With a small paunch. The result of a workaholic lifestyle. Oh but that voice. Clear, crisp. Commanding. She could just give in.

She would listen for hours. And he would listen for hours. Behind that stern demeanour, she found a kindred spirit. He made her laugh.

One Summer Day

Another day, another deal. Or three. He was on a roll. It's good to be back.

She caught his eye. That evening. Dark brown hair. He first noticed when he heard a laughter. A laughter that makes her all splendid. And those eyes. Clear. So clear.

He walked up to her.

In The Summer

It was a rainy summer evening when she first saw him. He was what a typical city professional, tie and dark suit. He was paying rapt attention to his business associates, over drinks and sounds from the Rat Pack era.

She hasn't been particularly interested in the corporate type, being from the world of academia. The ones she has met so far are uninteresting.

But his intensity caught her attention. Strong. His glances piercing. She brushed it off.

Then he came to her.

Fear

He could see her. Waiting. She's early.

This is where we first met. An old soul she is, trapped in a delicious young body. He wants her. Far more than that, she is far more than that. Genuine, earnest. Two minds met. He couldn't help but fall. But he won't tell her. It is not a risk he wants to take.

For he fears spiralling out of control. Just as he did. He fears for her.

Tunes

The tunes of an era past its age envelopes the dining area. The crowd is starting to pour in. Seeking comfort from the gusty autumn wind. Low lights. Almost as if the whole place is candlelit.

She could see him walking in. We are similar, she thought. Music from the past touch us, seduce us. That was how we met.

She can't figure him out still. She feels safe with him most of the time.

Yes, most of the time.

But sometimes she can't see past those brown eyes. That brooding nature, alluring yet confusing. What is on his mind at times like those, she wondered.

Vanquished?

The broken mirror now thrown out. But memories of those dark days lingers.

He took his coat, dark brown coat. Covers from neck to mid-calf. The type one can imagine an old French police officer would wear. He closed the door behind him. And walked onto the cobbled street. It was a windy autumn evening. Perfect for a walk.

I wonder what she would be wearing. He thought to himself, vivacious girl this one. So full of life.

She brings out the protective instincts in him. Instincts he never knew he had.

He is careful. Careful of the past catching up on him. He is a changed man. The monster vanquished.

Or has it?

Buttons

She sees it in him. The drive. The passion. Yet, she is afraid. Her instincts tell her that he is too good to be true.

She looks into the mirror.

Maybe I should take a chance. It may seem a but hasty, but she hasn't had this feeling of wanting to reach out for a long time. To reach out and be consumed by fiery desire.

A desire so strong, it frightens her. He can't be monstrous, can he? A man so clearly intellectual and nurturing.

She buttoned up. Blouse with buttons all the way. Always a potent tool. Three buttons undone. Or one button undone. The signals are oh no so subtle.

The buttons can be ripped apart. She shuddered. Admonished herself for such fantasies.

Fantasies can come true.

Ready to go, she told herself. She will take a chance tonight.

Monster

He stared into the mirror.

Stripped.

He hated that sight. Of himself. Of the man he has become.

The things he was forced to do. Not so much as forced. But rather out of uncontrolled chain of events. It spiralled out of control.

A monster.

An angry violent monster. The violence of emotions and cunning guile. He remembered the purity of it all. And the rage ignited in the backdrop of a dark moonless night.

Betrayal.

Yes, he was the master. The master of games. He played God. And they were mere puppets in his private theatre.

Theatre of dreams.

Dreams gone bad. Nightmares abound. He haunts them with promises he could not keep. Lies. All damned lies. Tantalising lies of hope, with intent of betrayal.

The power.

He had much power. Love was a fair game. He did not believe in love. Love is for the weak, he said.

And now look at him. He looked. He touched the reflection on the broken mirror. What have I become, the man asked.

There were no answers.

Sleepy

I need more coffee! And I need to quicken my pace! I shall march onwards to corporate governance. Urgh. Cadbury, not the chocolate, but a report.

Someone asked me how I sustain myself at work. "Doesn't the routine get to you?" or another common question "Work is the same, it's getting boring although it is only 6 months. How do you do it?".

Well, sometimes I'm thankful for the routine. It is a form of relaxation, like autopilot. Need not think too much. The nature of my job was a lot of ad-hoc analysis, even in the early days of my career. Was lucky to have a supportive superior. But in my line, there is always routine of some kind. And the thing that annoys me is when people tell me the routine gets boring. My question to them in return would be : Have you improved on the routine? Is it faster and more accurate now? Do you give value added analysis and reports to the management? Have you consulted the end user of the reports on things they may want to see or may not need? Do you know what your report is used for? How does it affect the bottomline?

A friend who does Accounts Payable made the mistake of telling me her job was boring 2-3 months after she started. My barrage of questions include : What's the volume of your processing? What's the range of invoice value like? Who are your largest vendors/suppliers? What does the company spend on? How much money is paid out every week?
No answer. All you do is processing? Yeah. Good, you'll be stuck forever.

The point is, sometimes opportunities are right in front of you. It is up to you to link things and learn. That's something they don't teach you. You can't complain that no one told you. The corporate world is a rather selfish one. You would be lucky if you get a good mentor. Most of the time, you have to take the initiative. And also prove that you are capable by doing the job you have really well. The things you learn now may not pay off immediately. But the exposure you get will one day prove to be useful.

As for now, I'm on sabbatical. Thank goodness :P

Pyschoanalysis

Was talking to someone before lunch about how to get to this particular place. And I noticed something. I can't seem to leave stones unturned. Even though a decision has been made, that is I should not go to that place on my own. And the decision is a good one, logical. On another note, must get better roadmaps.

The point is, I think as much as I deny it, I'm quite high strung. The difference is of course my laziness cause me to be laidback as well, tempering that high stress Type A personality. And the amazing thing I do, which I think is actually unhealthy, is how I box my reactions into little boxes and store them away. Which may be linked to my laziness. I must have spent a lot of energy putting things into nice little boxes and storing 'em away. Hence, my laziness, because I have not much energy left.

Amateur psychoanalysis :P

Walkabout

I walked around too much today. I think I walked a grand total of 2 hours. I think so. I walk back and forth to the car which is like 15-20 minutes away. Once because I left something. The second time was to go out for lunch. Then there is the time I walked to college from the car in the morning. And also walking around the mall at lunchtime. See, I walked too much for the day. That is why I feel tired, and possibly sleepy as well. Too bad I can't sleep in the library. I can't sleep in public places. Which is why I'm at the library, not at home. So that I won't be tempted to sleep the day away.

I used to walk all over campus. And boy, that campus was big. Then I got a car, but I still needed to walk a bit because the carparks are not in the centre of the campus. Part of their traffic control thing. Anyway, now I think I know the reason why I was always not paying attention in class. It was all the walking.

Yup, blame walking too much for every malady I have :P

Self Illusion

There isn't anything I tell myself
Buried deep hidden behind the shelves
Nothing is there beyond my role
Untold it should remain so

Insane it must be I tell myself
Worrying and wondering along the shores
It is just an illusion my dear

Cast the stone into the sea
Worry not of what you can't see

There is nothing I tell myself

Tides and Lines

This is a creation of mine
The tide is turning wild
Can't you see it is not the time
Close to deceit all this while
Temptation it is not
Things do fall into place sometimes
But embrace it I must not
Playing a dangerous game of desires
Thin line is drawn
Between betrayal and not
But yet I cannot not care
The tide may break the line of defence

Of History and Cuteness

I managed 3 chapters in 1.5 days. Not bad, but still way below target. I mean, this is a reading subject. Urgh. Must not bring Coelho along to the library. Must not buy magazines. Only mindless Malay Mail is allowed. In fact, maybe I should ban that too.

I'm hungry. There is this nice chicken rice shop nearby. It seems like authentic old style chicken rice, in a pre-war shophouse. The proprietor is good, he knows exactly what I want, he would still remember even if I don't go there for a few months.

The Japanese and Chinese are getting funnier by the day. Oh please, grow up! The long standing issue of a Japanese apology is decidedly different from the Chinese allowing the rule of mob (when convenient to them) to cause damage to properties (in this case sovereign grounds of an embassy). I'm not taking sides, really. I feel Japan does owe the world an outright show of diplomatic style remorse, 60 years on. But it has to come from the people of Japan. China et al can demand all they want, but the best form of apology must be one arrived at by consensus in Japan. And not getting an apology from them does not warrant abetting mass and sometimes violent protests. Come on China, who are you kidding? You usually clamp down on protests of any kind. Except when US accidentally bombed your embassy in former Yugoslavia (hmm, your embassy huh? do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you. Do us a favour by dealing with your corruption problem, rising gap between the rich and the poor, unrest in the interiors, free-float of yuan and better governance. Don't deflect attention of your people and the international community. We can see right through you. Nothing like the bogeyman to unite the masses huh? :) Then don't take the millions of dollars of aid from Japan, you giant hypocrite. You don't need aid anyway. As for Japan, look at yourself and don't kid yourself by demanding an apology as well. Hang dah gila kah? And anyway, I think most younger Japanese can't relate to the war. It was so long ago. Any apology should have been done long time ago. Now, it's harder. They probably don't see the point.

Anyway, as for Japan having misleading text. Reminds me of Orwell's 1984. The truth is, distortion of history is not entirely a new thing, especially for China, and Japan, and many countries. Japan's litany of misleading historical context includes the obscurity of the Nanking incident, war crimes, et al. China's includes not admitting to the millions of lives lost in the famine (Great Leap Forward consequences), purges, and more purges during the Cultural Revolution, and flattening of student protesters in Tiananmen. In the US, certain lobby groups have sucessefully cause a book by Henry Ford (I read it, it does look anti-Semitic but not deserving of a ban) and another on JFK's assasination to be banned. And very little attention is paid to the pre-Columbus or native American history (I read their high school text once, not much exploration on the Japanese Americans being interned or the unfair immigration treatment on Asians in the early 20th century as well).

Back home, they don't really tell the whole story of the Malacca Sultanate as well. I was told the Sultanate's history is juicier and perhaps darker than what is being protrayed. And we don't touch or explore our national psyche forming events as much as we should.

History is something I enjoy. But the danger in history is that the victors have the monopoly on truth. Those with power can supress historical truths. But then again, what is truth but a matter of perception anyway?

In other news, stunningly cute girl managed to turn Resurrected off. It proves one thing, cuteness one bring you anywhere if you are not sincere.

I'm rambling nonsense. Next post will be better.

Maligned Corporate Type

Why is it that the HK TVB series or HK movies, or even Hollywood and other movies make us corporate warriors look like sulky wimps? I mean, why must the hot girl always leave the corporate type for a yummy blue collar/hippie/wanderer/penniless poet type? What do scriptwriters have against us?

I can do poetry too. Big deal. I can work on the car too. So what? I want peace for the world too. Most of us do.

:P

Typical story :
Girl with corporate type. Nice car. Nice house. Nice dining. Whatever. Parents adore him.
Girl meets another guy. Could be cab driver, dreamer, whatever.
Boyfriend busy, with money making deals. Girl has nothing to do, bumped into the other guy.
Girl hears enlightening stuff or touched by simplicity of worldview. Brownie points.
Corporate boyfriend getting busier or greedier, take your pick.
Girl finds solace in the other guy.
All hell breaks loose.
Girl has happy time with new guy.
Corporate type planning revenge. Or criminal act. Or Whatever.
Hell for new guy. Girl tearful/upset.
Lots of things happen. Betrayal, deceit and love that's too good to be true.
Corporate type pays for wrongdoings.
Girl (aka glorified girl who dumps bf for another man) live happily ever after with that guy.

Or you can add in how corporate guy tries to hook up with boss'/rich tycoon's daughter.

Or how he swindles company money.

Or how the other guy is actually the long lost heir to tycoon's empire.

Nothing looks good. Blurgh. World is unfair.

Quote of The Day

"Airheads can be nice if they have a healthy laughter and kind heart. Sometimes I think I overrate 'intellectual' women. And underestimate those less so. Sometimes simplicity is beautiful"

Thursday Morning Thoughts

Liverpool got through :) If only they perform just as well in the EPL.

4th day of studying and I'm slowly gaining momentum, as in it is getting better, my concentration level. Coming from a fast paced working environment to an environment that requires more attention to details and longer span of concentration can be quite taxing. I have less than 6 weeks before my exams and I still have much to do.

My withdrawal symptoms, from not working, is suprisingly non-existent :P Yup, I'm not an incurable workaholic afterall. I guess it is because I'm occupying myself with studying, reading and more studying. I think I may get the withdrawal effects in June when my exams are over. Which is why I need some concrete things to do.

The scary thing about yesterday was reading this report on how vials of a pandemic flu strain from the US has been sent out by mistake. It makes us all very vulnerable actually. Sometimes I wonder why do they still keep stockpiles of the smallpox virus when there is a risk of it ending up in the wrong hands.

What is even scarier is Ariel Sharon exhorting to Bush that Iran is a threat to the region. Oh please. Give me a break. Iran is no more dangerous than Syria or even Saudi. Don't forget that we have Khatami there to keep the conservative (correction. not conservative, but radical rather) mullahs in check. And there is a large number of people who are dissenters to the hardliners. The majority (simple majority though) in fact are not hardliners. Attack Iran in anyway, the hardliners are the ones that will gain power. There is nothing quite like a common enemy to unite a country.

I don't want to sound intrusive. But democracy is growing in Iran and we must give the chance to those that are fighting for their democratic rights to be heard, and perhaps change things for the better in Iran.

I am not a proponent of nuclear defence/offence. But I think it is not fair to even ask Iran not to develop nuclear arms when it's enemies (or possible enemies) have WMDs in their arsenal. Anyhow, it looks like you can't develop any nuclear power even for civillian use, in peace. Of all the countries with proven nuclear capability, in my humble opinion, the ones likely not to have any qualms about using it are China, North Korea and Israel. I say this because these countries do not behave like the rest in terms of foreign policy. They have this mindset that it is us against them which makes things worse. Why not India and Pakistan? I find them posturing too much, but it is unlikely that they will do anything (unless hardliners of BJP control India, or hardliners in Pakistan win power) at the moment. The collateral damage is too much. And economically, there is much at stake. For China and Israel, I find their extra-territorial records a damning sign that they care no more for their neighbours as long as they survive. These 2 countries have annexed more territories than anyone else in the past 50 years. They are also constantly building their armed forces and constantly drumming propaganda about perceived threats from enemies (such as China's distracting propaganda against Japan). As for North Korea, they are just mad.

Being Streetsmart

I was walking around near my college. Those who know me know that I do this a lot, walking around when nothing is going well with my revision or work or paper or project or whatever. Anyway, I was observing this lady, in her 20s in a smart business suit stopping people and also walked into the Guardian store, seemingly asking for directions. Then she tried stopping a cab near the traffic light of a cross junction.

Silly lady I thought. So I walked over, and told her that cabs won't stop there and told her to further up the road, at the LRT station for cabs.

She walked there, looking lost and aimless. So I went up to her and ask her if she is really lost. She was looking for Jalan Perak apparently, but the taxi driver dropped her off at Jalan Tun Perak. Poor thing. So I told her I'm not sure where Jalan Perak is, but I know the genaral direction should be the Bukit Bintang/Golden Triangle area, not this old part of the city. She told me she is a foreigner, Singaporean to be precise. And after asking if she would be alright (she assured me she would, she is used to depending on cabs in KL), I left her there.

I went back to the college, and while checking my email, it struck me to Google Jalan Perak. I was right, it is in the Golden Triangle, near Jalan Pinang, Wisma UOA, Wisma Hong Leong, et al. So I rushed back to the spot to tell her so, easier to take LRT to KLCC and take a cab from there. She wasn't there anymore. I hope she got to her destination safe and sound.

Anyway, the point of this post is to higlight the errors she made :

1. Don't look lost and amble along. Look confident, as if with a purpose even when lost. She was fidgeting with her phone.
2. Don't tell strangers you are a foreigner. I need not know that to help you get the right direction
3. Call the place you are going to for help. I suggested that to her.
4. If possible, be sure of where you are going ie. landmarks before embarking on the journey.

Anything else to add?

So to stranger Singaporean lady I met just now, take care and be streetsmart(as if she would read this :P). KL ain't like Singapore.

Playing in My Head

FOR THE FIRST TIME (Kenny Loggins)

Are those your eyes?
Is that your smile?
I抳e been looking at you for ever,
But I never saw you before.
Are these your hands? Holding mine?
Now I wonder how I could have been so blind.
And for the first time, I am looking in your eyes.
For the first time, I'm seeing who you are.
I can't believe how much I see,
When you're looking back at me.
Now I understand what love is,
Love is...
For the first time...

Can this be real?
Can this be true?
Am I the person I was this morning?
And are you the same you?
It抯 all so strange.
How can it be?
All along this love was right in front of me!
And for the first time, I am looking in your eyes.
For the first time, I am seeing who you are.
I can't believe how much I see,
When you're looking back at me.
Now I understand what love is...
Love is...
For the first time.

Such a long time ago,
I had given up on finding this emotion,
Ever again.
But you're here with me now,
Yes I found you somehow,
And I've never been so sure.
And for the first time, I am looking in your eyes,
For the first time, I'm seeing who you are,
Can't believe how much I see,
When you're looking back at me.
Now I understand what love is...
Love is...
For the first time.

Sometimes, what's obvious escapes us. And when one realises it, it gets worse if you know you shouldn't have it. Cliches oh cliches. My life is filled with cliches.

Geez, what a mushy song to be playing in my head so early in the morning. Need help.

2nd Day

This is the 2nd day of Resurrected not being at work. Yes, for those who missed the announcement, Resurrected has quit the corporate jaunt. Well, not for good. But only for a year or so. For the next 6 weeks, he will not think of anything else but his upcoming professional exams. At the end of May, he will decide what to do next :

1. Accept partial scholarship offer to do postgraduate studies in Arizona?
2. Stay home and finish final sitting of professional exams in November?
3. What sort of work to do in June and July? Volunteer at MAC? Suaram? KOMAS? La Salle Centre? Internship at a consultancy? Temp at bookstore?
4. Travel? Bangkok? Will definitely travel to Ipoh and Penang to meet up with friends as I don't know how long I may be overseas. Will miss at least 3 weddings with postgrad. Oh well.
5. Do postgraduate in UK and not come home for 3-5 years?

And oh Saffron, in a post I wrote after we met the other day, which I didn't post and lost (I left it in my office PC draft folder), I said I'm gonna buy a key chain or 2 the next time I drop by :P

It's kind hard to get used to the idea of not working. Well, first day not at work, I had calls and SMS asking me about stuff. I hope it stops as I really need to breakaway from my workaholic habits and just concentrate on my exams.

Now should I go to Club Med Cherating FOC courtesy of parents or should I ask for the money and fly to Bangkok instead?

Decisions, decisions, decisions. 'sigh'

The Love Mobile

It was a great love affair, me and my Love Mobile. The fact that it has taken me along the straights of the highway on 140 km/h, and I’m still alive to tell the tale, is amazing. (Hint : Love Mobile is the cheapest car in the market :P)

Ah yes. The Love Mobile holds many memories. The mad search for food. The dash to my favourite nasi lemak place (I was told it has since closed). The late nights wandering in the suburbs, and if that’s not enough, into the city which I deplored. Cheap beer by the pier with horribly overpriced food. The conversations. The camaraderie. The packed Love Mobile ferrying people on short trips. The quiet nights in campus, so surreal without the hustle and bustle of daylight. Books and files piled up in the backseat, serving as my mobile office/library.

The people that has stepped in and stepped out of the Love Mobile. Some I remember vividly. Some I cannot remember at all. It is really a map of my personal landscape. Some people remain. Some people left. Some people never had the opportunity to enter my Love Mobile. Some people will never. Because my Love Mobile left me.

I Am Happy For You

She opened the door and stepped out. ‘Take care’. She replied ‘Call me ok.’

‘Sure’

It has been a while since we spent time together. Back to normal. After much turmoil.

I waited while she entered her home. Looking at the box she left behind for me. And she came running back. ‘You want any of these crisps?’

‘No. Thanks’ And she scurried back to her townhouse. I smiled as I drove off. It’s good to see her happy again. She has gone through so much. I’m truly glad and happy for her, although I never had the chance to love her as I wanted to.

Curls

Her hair. That smell. Intoxicating. Soft dark curls. She snuggled up close.
It was peaceful. Was it love?

Told You So

“I wish we could be more open. I wish he would send flowers.”

Well, sure to hell, he wouldn’t do that. Couldn’t you see he only wanted you for that one thing. That one thing you mistakenly though is out of love.

And I was right.

Flowers did arrive at her desk. 2 dozens to be precise. And like I expected, it wasn’t him.

Sunshine?

That smile. And that oh so huggable oh so nice to pinch face. So earnest. Ah yes sunshine. When you least expect it. And when you least want it.It is so hard. How do I do this? I don't want to be unfair. But yet the possibilities, oh so immense. Could it be real? Could it be you?